Big Indifferent Land 3, Small Inexplicably Angry Land 2

BIG Indifferent Land snatched victory over Small Inexplicably Angry Land at Wembley last night leading to indifference and anger.

Southampton striker Rickie Lambert scored the winner on his debut, causing mild pleasure for some people who would probably watch the highlights.

Meanwhile, in Small Inexplicably Angry Land, bonfires were lit on mountaintops as the nation renewed its ancient pledge to destroy everything that was big and indifferent.

Lambert celebrated his header by looking as pleased as footballers generally do during friendly matches, while the Small Inexplicably Angry Land defenders stood gaping in horror as they realised they would now be hounded to death by their fellow countrymen.

Big Indifferent Land manager Roy Hodgson said: “That was quite enjoyable. It’s important that Wembley gets used reasonably often.

“I was pleased for Rickie and I hope I can use him in a proper match against an actual team.”

Gordon Strachan, manager of Small Inexplicably Angry Land as well as one of its smallest and angriest people, said: “Bastards! Bastards bastards bastards bastards!”

Strachan then walked over to his car, brought out a sledgehammer and went berserk.

Hodgson added: “What’s the matter with him?”

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Plain-looking students' exam success goes undocumented

STUDENTS who fall outside the bracket of ‘nubile sexy girls’ may or may not have gotten good A Level results.

Homely student Mary Archer said: “I’ve just got 4 As and no one wants my picture because there are some girls over there in halter tops  – who got Ds and Es – having a cuddle.

“I think I’ve just learned a very depressing life lesson.”

Historian Tom Booker said: “Future civilisations will look back at our news websites and think our academics were all skinny, buxom females with borderline lesbian tendencies.”