British Guy Did Not Win Tour De France

THE British cyclist who crossed the line first in Paris yesterday did not win the Tour de France, experts stressed last night.

Across Britain viewers cheered and shouted 'up yours you froggy bastards' as Mark Cavendish sprinted ahead of the pack, only to discover that he actually came 131st.

Margaret Gerving, from Guildford, said: "Oh. Really? But I thought… really? How?"

Tom Logan, from Newark, added: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Cycling analyst Wayne Hayes explained that the race has actually been going on for about eight months, taking in 14 different countries and involving a complicated series of time trials and going up very steep hills really slowly.

He said: "Mark Cavendish won 10 of the 198 stages but lost a lot of time because he kept coming to a complete standstill and then falling over halfway up a mountain."

According to Hayes the winner was the person who finished all the little bits put together in the shortest time without taking an elaborate cocktail of steroids disguised as a tub of Petit Filou.

He added: "The winner now has to wear a yellow jersey for a whole year, although it's not really a jersey, it's more of a zip-up lycra cardigan on backwards."

Earlier Italian cyclist Franco Pellizotti was crowned King of the Mountains, Britain's Bradley Wiggins was King of the Fields and Streams, and Hanuman, the Hindu demi-god, was named King of the Monkeys.

American Lance Armstrong put in a stunning performance at the age of 37 to finish third, with many saying he would have won for a record 36th time if his bicycle did not have cancer.

The race was won by some Spanish chap called Juan, or possibly 'Manuel'.

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Terry Thwarts Plan To Build Team Of Dicks

JOHN Terry has pledged his future to Chelsea, denting Manchester City's hopes of fielding a team comprised entirely of unbearable dicks.

Recent signings including Emmanual Adebayor and Roqué Santa Cruz, alongside existing players like Craig Bellamy, have boosted City's despicability rating. Hopes were high that neutral fans would not find anyone they would be willingly to urinate on, regardless of whether they were on fire or not.

Terry's decision means City boss Mark Hughes will now be forced to find another centre back who blames his teammates for his own mistakes, often before the game has even started.

But the Chelsea captain said: "My decision was never in doubt and that is why I decided to say absolutely nothing for as long as I possibly could."

He added: "With Ballack, Lampard and Essien, I think Chelsea can still be the most eye-gougingly repulsive club in the country.

"Look at our front two. Who would not jump at the chance to smash Drogba and Anelka's teeth in one by one with a toffee hammer. Even our own fans dislike them, and that's just world class."

City fans still hope their team can become the most revolting in Manchester. Stephen Malley, from Gorton, said: "Selling Ronaldo immediately makes United 20% less detestable.

"Gary Neville will soon be sent to live on a farm and Michael Owen is quite lovable in a fragile sort of way, like the little boy from The Sixth Sense.

"If Ferguson resigns, the title's ours. They'd have to hire Gary Glitter as coach to have any hope of being hated more."