ENGLAND can qualify for the second round of the World Cup if the remaining group games are played in a 12-dimensional universe.
Theoretical mathematicians at Cambridge University found that England can progress if x = y-2z in a universe where England have already beaten Italy and the Costa Rican bus got lost on the way to Brazil.
Professor Julian Cook said: “That universe needs to have at least 12 dimensions because in all the possible outcomes in all the possible universes Steven Gerrard will still find a way to help the other team score.
“It’s called the Gerrard Constant and it’s a pain in the arse. What, just because I do maths for a living means I can’t be a football fan? That’s what’s wrong with this country.”
Professor Cook added: “Obviously Italy could beat Costa Rica and Uruguay and then England could hammer Costa Rica, but we’re going to go with the 12 dimensional universe – and some very impressive maths, even if I do say so myself.”
England manager Roy Hodgson has promised that the current squad could create a new ‘golden ratio’ of disappointment, making the failure achieved by Lampard, Gerrard and the Coles look like a nursery school abacus.
Hodgson, himself a keen amateur mathematician, said: “The training regime will continue to be tackles that are 40 percent of what they should be and shots and passes that are wilfully approximate.”