BRITAIN could soon have the best lesbian squash players in Europe, prime minister David Cameron said last night.
Announcing the first in a series of sexuality-themed squash development grants, Mr Cameron said squash played by ladies who are attracted to other ladies now stood on the cusp of a new ‘golden age’.
He added: “For too long we have sat back as Spanish and Portuguese squash lesbians swept all before them.
“The fight-back starts now.”
The grant will allow squash clubs to advertise in the lesbian sections of national newspapers and buy special lesbian squash equipment including sweat bands, gay rackets and state-of-the-art strap-on dildos.
If the programme is successful Mr Cameron wants to invest heavily in specialised squash facilities for gimps, thumb fetishists, people who like to dress as their own grandmothers and Max Mosley.
Helen Archer, Britain’s most successful squash lesbian, said: “It’s long overdue. Let me tell you, it’s no fun when a massive Portuguese lesbian rubs your nose in it.”
Meanwhile the prime minister rejected claims the grant was inappropriate at a time when no-one has money for non-lesbian squash equipment or run-of-the mill hand held dildos. He insisted the investment could be recouped by charging men to watch exhibition matches, particularly if there is a chance it might be leading up to something.
Mr Cameron said Britain could also emulate Holland where pay-per-view gimp squash is now the country’s third biggest industry.