Cameron hails 'golden age' for lesbian squash

BRITAIN could soon have the best lesbian squash players in Europe, prime minister David Cameron said last night.

Announcing the first in a series of sexuality-themed squash development grants, Mr Cameron said squash played by ladies who are attracted to other ladies now stood on the cusp of a new ‘golden age’.

He added: “For too long we have sat back as Spanish and Portuguese squash lesbians swept all before them.

“The fight-back starts now.”

The grant will allow squash clubs to advertise in the lesbian sections of national newspapers and buy special lesbian squash equipment including sweat bands, gay rackets and state-of-the-art strap-on dildos.

If the programme is successful Mr Cameron wants to invest heavily in specialised squash facilities for gimps, thumb fetishists, people who like to dress as their own grandmothers and Max Mosley.

Helen Archer, Britain’s most successful squash lesbian, said: “It’s long overdue. Let me tell you, it’s no fun when a massive Portuguese lesbian rubs your nose in it.”

Meanwhile the prime minister rejected claims the grant was inappropriate at a time when no-one has money for non-lesbian squash equipment or run-of-the mill hand held dildos. He insisted the investment could be recouped by charging men to watch exhibition matches, particularly if there is a chance it might be leading up to something.

Mr Cameron said Britain could also emulate Holland where pay-per-view gimp squash is now the country’s third biggest industry.



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Poofter spat in my macaroni, claims angry old woman

ONE of them poofters spat in my macaroni cheese last night, Mrs Phillips in room seven has claimed.

The 84 year-old said that no she didn’t taste it because she didn’t have to as that nancy boy who works in the kitchen has guilt written all over him.

She added: “He prances in here with my butterscotch Angel Delight, fluffing my pillows like a right fairy.

“He asks me how I’m feeling in the most disgustingly suggestive way and makes sure my bad leg is at the right angle before leaving his big poofy fingerprints all over the remote control and chatting to me about Coronation Street like a dirty homo who’s just licked another man’s tinkle.

“I’d complain to the management but they’re all benders as well. I’m asking my family to move me to another home, as soon as they get a chance to visit. They’re ever so busy.”

She added: “And by the way, did you know maths has gone queer? Apparently you’re not allowed to teach children the five times table anymore. It’s all about fisting and peeing on each other.

“How’s that supposed to help you get a good job or do the shopping? Is Tesco going to give you your change in dirty fist pictures?

“Mark my words, it’ll be nancy physics next. How much energy does it take to shove your whatsit up another man’s excuse me?”

Mrs Phillips then rummaged about in her bedside drawer for something she had already forgotten, before adding: “When’s that thieving gypsy girl coming to change my bag?”