Capello Names Provisional List Of Excuses

ENGLAND manager Fabio Capello has nominated his provisional list of 30
excuses for crashing out of the World Cup in June.

This will be whittled down to 23 after a series of friendlies establish
which of them sound the most convincing and hopefully involve the

Capello said: “England has a great history of international footballing
buck-passing and I’m confident we have a golden generation of limp
rationalisations involving refereeing decisions. Blaming somebody else
is coming home.”

The squad of excuses contained few surprises, although ‘Temporary
inertia from a crushing sense of existential ennui’ and ‘Debilitating
erections caused by daydreaming of Trevor Brooking’ were unexpected late

Meanwhile ‘Exhaustion after a long league campaign screaming at referees
for awarding a throw-in’ is aiming to appear in its fourth World Cup
and ‘Being distracted by the thought of fucking everybody else’s wife’
was named captain as expected.

Capello said the squad was good enough to aim for a reason why they did
not reach the semi-finals and would be disappointed if it had to trot
out the same pathetic old crap in the group stages.

But he warned that England’s group C opponents had some outstanding
excuses of their own, adding: “America will use its ‘Terrible
domestic league’ early in the game while Algeria will look to utilise
‘Being partially French’ which generally explains all manner of

“But personally I am very excited that playing a World Cup on the
African continent gives us our first ever opportunity to build a dynamic and unstoppable excuse based on ‘antelopes’.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Torch Has Been Passed To A New Generation Of Public School Nancy Boys

BRITAIN’S long, national nightmare was over last night as the nation was once again placed in the safe, reliable hands of some vaguely effeminate public school boys.

After three years of being governed by a rough, nasty boy from a state school who shouted at everyone and didn’t like custard, Britain wakes up today knowing it could introduce both the prime minister and deputy prime minister to its parents without having to endure an uncomfortable silence as they realised they had nothing in common.

David Cameron met a visibly relieved Queen shortly after 8pm, accepting her invitation to form a government of gentlemen before laughing their heads off about how Gordon Brown used to say ‘tea’ instead of ‘supper’.

Minutes later the new prime minister spoke to the nation outside Number 10, peeing gently into his trousers while his glowing wife Samantha stood behind him wearing the smile of someone at a summer drinks party who has just turned round to see a demented rhinoceros thundering across the lawn.

The coalition deal was finally sealed yesterday evening during a hastily arranged phone call between David Cameron and Nick Clegg where they compared notes on the daughters of minor aristocrats that they had felt up at charity balls in the 1980s.

The prime minister’s spokesman said: “We knew we had a workable, four year deal when David and Nick both realised they had probably fingered the Hon. Charlotte Brampton during the same Henley Regatta.”

The new administration started work immediately as Downing Street released the first round of cabinet appointments including Binky, Pinky, Ponky, Porky, Splodger, Dodger, Bodger, Badger, Fishy Frobisher, good old Charlie Two-Yachts and Vince Cable.

Last night a Treasury source insisted Mr Cable and the new chancellor Binky Osborne were already working well together, adding: “They’re even finishing each other’s sentences. Of course the sentence does completely change its meaning half way through and ends up making no sense whatsoever, but they are at least sharing the same sentence. And that’s historic.”

But across Britain there were mixed feelings as the Labour Party relinquished power, with some wondering whether they would ever hate anyone quite as much again, while others welcomed a new set of characters they could make anonymous online death threats against.

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “I don’t think I’ll ever forget watching an unemployed Peter Mandelson being interviewed on the BBC, filled to the brim with bitterness and defeat. I was so happy I very nearly shat myself.”

He added: “I’m now heading over to the Guardian website to watch those fuckers squirm.

“Toodle pip!”