Toddlers Banned From Eating Each Other

NURSERY school children will no longer be allowed to bite chunks out of each under new rules introduced today.

The scheme is part of a healthy eating campaign which hopes to reduce the amount of cholesterol-rich human flesh in the diet of Britain’s under-fives.

Helen Archer, a nursery nurse from Grantham, said: “This is long overdue. Just last week I woke little Kyle Stephenson after his nap time and he burped up a big toe.

“When I asked him what he’d done he just giggled and pointed to an empty set of dungarees.

“When we looked in his lunch box there was a Munch Bunch yoghurt and a Silence Of The Lambs interactive pop-up book. Ever since we’ve been wheeling him around strapped to a trolley. I’d blame his parents but I’m pretty sure he’s eaten them.”

Dietitian Wayne Hayes said: “Toddler is not a lean meat by any means, and can be best described as a bit like belly pork with a faint tang of Monster Munch. That said, it’s probably no worse for you than anything you can buy in Iceland.â€

Staff will be asked to look out for tell-tale signs of attempted pupil consumption, such as smearing squeezy cheese on playmates or adding vegetable stock to the paddling pool.

Exceptions will be made on children’s birthdays, when they will be able to indulge in a game of ‘Blind Man’s Cannibal’.

But mother of eight Gemma Bradford said: “I’m not have some nanny state do-gooder telling me who my children can and cannot eat. I ate loads of other children when I was a child and it never did me any harm.

“As soon as the council fits that extra-wide door I’ll be down there on my mobility scooter to give them a piece of that spongey thing that’s inside my head.”


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Animals Obstructing Progress

SUPERFLUOUS wildlife is still hampering vital progress in the logging and fast food industries, it was claimed last night.

Despite their declining numbers, obscure species like the Patagonian fox wolf and a type of ochre-coloured bear that smells of burned peaches still pose a serious hindrance to companies working to transform their dank, hostile forest habitats into something useful or tasty.

Logging company boss Roy Hobbs said: “The rainforests are still absolutely riddled with weird-looking, time-wasting creatures that try to hump your leg and make a real mess when they get mulched up in heavy machinery.

“I personally spent most of this morning picking bits of some slow-moving marsupial dog out of caterpillar tracks, and ruined my chinos into the bargain.

“Probably some of these species haven’t even been named. Although I collectively call them ‘fuckers’.”

He added: “The worst are the cute ones, because everyone stops to coo over them. Then before you know it the kettle’s on and that’s an afternoon wasted.”

Experts at the Institute for Studies estimate that there are as many as 10,000 species that still refuse to die out, despite being completely obsolete in any evolutionary sense.

Prof Nikki Hollis said: “We’ve got plenty of what you might call ‘proper’ animals – dogs, horses, cats – but there’s still way too much random shit out there that serves no useful purpose and doesn’t even taste good.’

“And there’s plenty of losers who are determined to save them because they had some sort of pathetic eco-warrior epiphany while watching Avatar, not even realising that the reason their wiener cost a fiver is that busy pig farmers keep getting molested by simian owls.”