NURSERY school children will no longer be allowed to bite chunks out of each under new rules introduced today.
The scheme is part of a healthy eating campaign which hopes to reduce the amount of cholesterol-rich human flesh in the diet of Britain’s under-fives.
Helen Archer, a nursery nurse from Grantham, said: “This is long overdue. Just last week I woke little Kyle Stephenson after his nap time and he burped up a big toe.
“When I asked him what he’d done he just giggled and pointed to an empty set of dungarees.
“When we looked in his lunch box there was a Munch Bunch yoghurt and a Silence Of The Lambs interactive pop-up book. Ever since we’ve been wheeling him around strapped to a trolley. I’d blame his parents but I’m pretty sure he’s eaten them.”
Dietitian Wayne Hayes said: “Toddler is not a lean meat by any means, and can be best described as a bit like belly pork with a faint tang of Monster Munch. That said, it’s probably no worse for you than anything you can buy in Iceland.â€
Staff will be asked to look out for tell-tale signs of attempted pupil consumption, such as smearing squeezy cheese on playmates or adding vegetable stock to the paddling pool.
Exceptions will be made on children’s birthdays, when they will be able to indulge in a game of ‘Blind Man’s Cannibal’.
But mother of eight Gemma Bradford said: “I’m not have some nanny state do-gooder telling me who my children can and cannot eat. I ate loads of other children when I was a child and it never did me any harm.
“As soon as the council fits that extra-wide door I’ll be down there on my mobility scooter to give them a piece of that spongey thing that’s inside my head.”
