Election Finally Produces A Result

AFTER five hectic days the general election produced a result last night as the sociopath who has been dicking about with your life for the last 13 years finally got the fucking message.

In a historic announcement Gordon Brown said he was standing down but not before he had discharged his constitutional duty to steal the government for the sack of shit-eating weasel arseholes who have spent most of their shabby careers licking his greasy balls.

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said Mr Brown’s statement ‘smoothed the way towards a stable government’ involving an as yet unidentified prime minister, a collection of lying, two-faced whores, some Welsh, Scottish, Irish and possibly Cornish nationalists, a lady from Brighton who drives a car made of yeast, as well as the Roly Polys, the Wurzels and the Average White Band.

Tom Logan, a progressive person from Finsbury Park, said: “On paper that sounds like it should work perfectly.

“That said, I would be slightly concerned that the Wurzels will hold the country to ransom every time they want some more cider, while English taxpayers will end up having to subsidise even more of the Average White Band’s funky baselines.”

Julian Cook, professor of politics at Reading University, added: “After five extraordinary days I suspect that Britain is now really starting to regret having Lib Dems.

“John F Kennedy once remarked that the ‘hottest places in hell are reserved for those who sat on the fence’ but of course, I think what he actually meant to say was ‘Good God, the Lib Dems really are a bunch of fucking cocksuckers, aren’t they?’.”

Meanwhile the prospect of a Labour-led ‘progressive’ coalition has been welcomed by thousands of limbless Iraqis, torture victims and people whose DNA is now kept on a database because they signed a petition in the post office about a new bypass.

Abdul Al-Kaleem, a former limb owner from Basra, said: “I admire the British Labour Party. They managed to progress my legs off very efficiently, while my Uncle Karim was progressed over a wide area.

“I remember being handed what was left of his chin and thinking ‘yes, this is definitely progress’.”

Mohammed Iqbal, from Bradford, said that when he was being tortured by the CIA with the tacit approval of the Labour Party he was comforted by the fact that gay people could now form civil partnerships.

He added: “As the electricity coursed through my flailing body and the pliers tightened once more around my already swollen testicles, I smiled at the thought of Elton John and David Furnish having a big, fancy party to celebrate their same sex love.”

And bypass petitioner Martin Bishop, who is now snuggled nicely into the DNA database between a murderer and a paedophile, said he was impressed by the progress the police had made in taking dozens of photographs of his house.

He added: “It’s all very impressive. They keep my DNA on a big computer and, who knows, maybe one day they can use it convict me for a crime I didn’t commit.

“It truly is a golden age.”


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My Big Gap Year: Shaved New World

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Monday: The Amazon

Last night I was on Amazon downloading DJ Rico’s hot new MP3 Zombie in a Coma’ but today I’m in the actual Amazon!

You know, people say that the Amazon is the ‘lungs of the world’ because it is so big there are literally billions of tonnes of air in it, just like in your lungs. But when you’re actually here, it’s so hot and wet that there is actually no air at all. Scammed! Even though the 3D effects are immense, it’s not like Avatar. For a start, the beasties actually hit your face when they fly at you. No wonder Sting and his bendy wife went totally bing-bong and got into all that mad sex. One time, a guy I was with asked me if he could do some tantra on me and I was like, ‘No way – that’s how my uncle Steve got dysentery!’.

When I was at school, me and my mate, Becca, did our geography project on the rainforest. We had this amazing diagram showing how Sting eats so many beef burgers daily that he produces an area of methane gas the size of 10 football pitches and this is simply hellish for all his tribal friends, who are forced to flee their teepees and get a hotel in the shanty town.  All these facts lead me to conclude the Amazon is more the anus of the world than the lungs – but hey – everyone needs an anus, even Gordon Brown I’m sure.

On the way back from the forest tour, we met some tribal-ish folks living in little huts. They were really nice – totally relaxed around humans. Disappointingly for the Germans on my tour, they weren’t in the nude, but lots of them didn’t have shoes. One sold me a dishtowel made from completely natural ingredients grown by the power of the sun alone. Awesome! This made up for the fact none of them had plates in their lips like Sting’s native buddy. My mate Garry had to get a plate in his skull once, but that was because he roller-bladed down an escalator when he was on coke. I think Sting’s mate’s plate was more for decorative purposes or possibly for getting the advantage in a game of Scatch. Some would say he was cheating but he did go through a lot to get his game up and it wasn’t like he was taking steroids.

I couldn’t find anywhere to get a piercing or plate fitting, but I did find a place which could do me a ‘Brazilian’. Surely, the most gruesome rite of passage an Amazonian can undertake –  so I booked myself in! I can’t wait till next week when I can take my brand new growler off to see big Jesus in Rio. Now I know how nuns feel (and no wonder they sing all the time!). And that’s what makes the Amazon the greatest lungs of the world, in the world.