Comolli resigns after winning Nigerian lottery

DAMIEN Comolli has resigned from his post of chief moneyburner at Liverpool FC after winning $40 million via email.

To prove his former occupation he has provided the Nigerian prince running the lottery with Liverpool’s bank details and has posted the deeds to his house as proof of address.

Football’s biggest spendthrift will set up a company with the proceeds, investing in new business opportunities such as harvesting icebergs for bottled water and research into magic beans.

Comolli said: “The board very generously offered to exchange my tiny payoff cheque for this big bag of shiny copper coins so I’m all set to go.

“I want to thank everyone at Liverpool for the opportunity to make so many people happy, especially managers of other clubs I used to visit with a cheque book in one hand and a drawing of a footballer in the other.”

During his time at Liverpool Comolli oversaw some of the biggest transfers in the club’s history, including the £35M paid to Newcastle for Andy Carroll despite the club’s insistence that they only wanted £1M for him.

He was known as an innovator at the club, with his ‘Bring & Buy’ scheme – where other clubs would bring the players they didn’t want to the car park at Anfield and Comolli would buy them – being responsible for Jordan Henderson.

Comolli said: “Leaving all this behind does bring a tear to my eye, although that could be the £300 aftershave I bought on the way to work off a chap selling stuff out of a suitcase.”



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North Korean rocket launch footage 'best ever You've Been Framed clip'

HILARIOUS video of the botched North Korean rocket test has fallen into the hands of Harry Hill, it has emerged.

In the uproarious clip, the projectile tumbles out of the sky like an old stick, bouncing trampoline-style off the roof of a hangar before hitting an old shed from which a ragged-eared grey dog emerges to urinate on it. The animal then looks directly at the camera with a wry expression, almost appearing to wink.

An ITV spokesman said: “We can confirm that the footage is genuine, and contains all the attributes of a great You’ve Been Framed clip – monumental hubris, a tense build-up followed by calamity, and people literally tearing their hair out in clumps while hollering in a foreign language.”

In the closing seconds of the clip, two ragged, skinny children can be seen poking the rocket with a stick and laughing, before a frantic smock-coated scientist chases them off, swiping at the youngsters with a clipboard.

The anonymous creator of the footage, which arrived on a Betamax video cassette, plans to spend the £250 on staple foods for his village.

Meanwhile, the North Korean government has claimed that the rocket was deliberately diverted to avoid hitting Kim Jong-Il in heaven.

A dictatorship spokesman said: “The Dear Leader, who passed away in December last year, has ascended to godhood and now smiles down benevolently on his people while wearing oversized Bono shades and a pensioner’s grey coat collared in squirrel fur.

“Kim, whose pompadour is now made of stars, lives in the sky now. Had he been hit by the rocket he would have cried a million tears, flooding Pyongyang and killing everyone.”