Effigy Makers Desperate For Terry Gaffe

MANUFACTURERS of shoddy effigies that are hung outside scary pubs last night said they were desperate for John Terry to make England’s next catastrophic error.

The industry was caught off guard after goalkeeper Robert Green’s sex crime on Saturday night, with some companies forced to plaster makeshift stubble onto their leftover Jade Goodys before shipping them to some of the most ghastly parts of the country.

Angry mob outfitter Bill McKay said: “I did ask a mate in Scotland if he had any spare goalkeepers, but they’re like hens’ teeth up there.

“We don’t need Terry to do anything particularly spectacular – maybe call the referee a ‘cock-faced wankpot’ or wander off to chat up some big-titted bird in the front row.

“It’s a top quality, British-designed, Chinese-built effigy that’ll blaze up quickly and then settle down for a nice, long burn. And the robust, polyurethane core means you can stick it with a pitchfork without it bursting and ruining everyone’s fun.

“Throw in a litre of petrol, a shit-load of Strongbow and some poorly applied face paint and you have everything you need for a perfect summer’s evening.”

He added: “We also do a full-size, cardboard team coach that’s nice and easy for drunk people to tip over and a small paper maché model of Aaron Lennon that you can crush in the palm of your hand.”

Meanwhile, starved of decent effigies, angry mobs across Britain were forced to set fire to Robert Green’s childhood home, what was almost certainly his primary school and any hotels he may possibly have stayed in during his professional career.

Martin Bishop, assistant manager of the Watford North Holiday Inn, said: “I don’t think Mr Green did ever stay here, but surely that’s beside the point.

“We welcome angry mobs of all sizes and do our best to make their setting fire to the building as relaxed and enjoyable as possible.”

He added: “I wonder if we managed to get everyone out of conference room ‘C’?”