England in elaborate bid to stop cricket coach getting to work

AS appalling England cricket coach Andy Flower vowed to stay on, the country will join forces to stop him reaching his office.

Authorities have pledged a series of particularly meaningless roadworks, fake armed sieges and bogus chemical accidents in a bid to frustrate Flower as he makes his daily commute.

A spokesman for the Local Government Association said: “When flooding season has ended we will flood Mr Flower’s street artificially. And there’s a big tree outside his house which is coming down.”

If Flower does manage to get near his place of work, members of the public will be mobilised to obstruct, distract and, if necessary, make love to the utterly terrible coach.

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “I have a detailed plan to turn his life into ‘Groundhog Day’, in much the same way he and his ‘cricket team’ have done to me.

“It should drive him completely insane within a fortnight.”

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Prince George begins boarding school

THE one-year-old heir to the British throne has started his first term at Gordonstoun preparatory school.

The public school will be the young Prince’s home for the next decade and will haunt him until the end of his days.

Gordonstoun will teach the young Prince walking and other basic motor skills. From this foundation he will learn to play cricket and rugby while being shielded from the very existence of football.

BBC Royal correspondent Peter Hunt said: “The upper classes prefer to keep emotionally distant from their offspring, reserving their affections for fat labradors called Jock.

“The regime of freezing cold showers, grouse genocide and fagging for louche, predatory three-year-olds will soon knock any hint of empathy for other human beings right out of George.

“The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will obviously miss the personal time they used to spend with the Prince, but they’ll soon fill that half-hour every other Sunday.”

Hunt continued: “Following Gordonstoun he’ll go to Eton, after which it’s hoped he’ll get into Cambridge University but that depends on how well his personal equerry performs in the entrance exams.”