AS appalling England cricket coach Andy Flower vowed to stay on, the country will join forces to stop him reaching his office.
Authorities have pledged a series of particularly meaningless roadworks, fake armed sieges and bogus chemical accidents in a bid to frustrate Flower as he makes his daily commute.
A spokesman for the Local Government Association said: “When flooding season has ended we will flood Mr Flower’s street artificially. And there’s a big tree outside his house which is coming down.”
If Flower does manage to get near his place of work, members of the public will be mobilised to obstruct, distract and, if necessary, make love to the utterly terrible coach.
Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “I have a detailed plan to turn his life into ‘Groundhog Day’, in much the same way he and his ‘cricket team’ have done to me.
“It should drive him completely insane within a fortnight.”