THE England football team’s sports psychologist Steve Peters has dislocated his cerebral cortex while celebrating the equaliser against Italy.
Peters, who had been coaching the team to accept failure, received such a jolt of euphoria that doctors fear he may have permanently damaged his sense of proportion.
Roy Hodgson said: “I went to visit Peters in hospital, and the first thing he said was ‘Despite the setback, I think you guys can go all the way.’
The doctors have confirmed that his detachment from reality is the worst theyve ever seen, and consequently optimism is beginning to overload the functioning parts of his brain.
Just before I left he grabbed my hand and said: If not this time then next time, Roy! Keep building! Never give up!”
The loss of Peters has had a serious knock-on effect on the England squad, with an outbreak of self-belief crushing several players under the weight of expectation.
Daniel Sturridge said: Steve was always so negative, really convincing us that we didnt have the ghost of a chance. I promise Ill never score for England ever again.