Non-shifty Blair photo 'does not exist'

RESEARCHERS have admitted defeat in the search for a picture of Tony Blair looking trustworthy.

Newspaper picture editor Tom Logan said: “I’ve spent weeks looking for a photo to illustrate a piece about Blair’s rumoured ‘human side’.

“The problem is his eyes, which positively burn with insincerity. But you wouldn’t trust his face either. Or his hair.”

Image manipulation expert Nikki Hollis said: “Even digital techniques cannot make Blair look like a good person.

“Maybe if Photoshop had a function called ‘Remove Sleaziness’.”

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Speedy boarding named most feeble attempt at one-upmanship

PAYING to get on a budget flight slightly before others is the weakest possible attempt to show off, it has been confirmed.

Experts at the Institute for Studies compared showing-off techniques and ranked them in order of impressiveness, from having a fucking huge yacht with its own nuclear arsenal to jumping the queue of an EasyJet flight.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Most cheap flights have got allocated seating now anyway.

“So paying for speedy boarding marks you out as someone who thinks it’s a status symbol to be the first onto a shuttle bus.”

Speedy boarding passenger Tom Logan said: “When we’re summoned to the gate I can see all the standard boarding people watching me with admiration, wondering if I’m a spy, playboy or diplomat.

“The sense of power is intoxicating.”