Be less British, says Cameron

THE prime minister has called on the people of Britain to be less reserved.

David Cameron has set out his vision of a shouty country unencumbered by respect, self-deprecation and tolerance, arguing forcefully that British values have no place in modern Britain.

He said: “Our traditional squeamishness about tub-thumping, balls-out nationalism is a major threat to our traditions.”

The prime minister added that keeping calm and carrying on was not an option: “Do we want to live in a country that shoves its mythologized history down peoples’ throats with no sense of irony or understatement? I certainly do.

“We have to stop apologising for being bumped into, or before we know it the insidious philosophy of the NHS and the BBC will have infected our society to its core.”

Nikki Hollis, from Stevenage, said: “My next-door-neighbour Brenda doesn’t shout at foreigners in the street or set fire to halal bakeries, so I told her she was worse than Hitler and pushed her out of the bus queue. She just apologized and avoided eye contact.”

“She is the enemy within.”

A government spokesman added: “Dogs are stupid, eccentricity is for inbreds, and who really gives a tinker’s toss about the weather.”

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Colourful football boots prove humanity is doomed

THE kaleidoscopic football boots worn in the World Cup are a clear sign that our civilisation is in its last days, experts have agreed.

The boots, which are white, red, blue, fluorescent yellow and eye-burning combinations of the lot, are the equivalent of Roman vomitoriums and give us six to eighteen months before societal collapse.

Futurologist Francesca Johnson said: “In 1966, Alan Ball wore white boots and, as a direct result, was the only member of the team not to be invited to Buckingham Palace.

“In 2014, Mario Balotelli wears a red boot on one foot and a blue boot on the other and everyone acts like it’s no big deal.

“The strobing, clashing colours of different football boots flashing across the screen stimulate violent impulses in the viewer.

“So far Phil Neville and Alan Shearer have managed to calm those impulses by being incredibly boring, but it’s only a matter of time before our world is in flames.”

A leading international, speaking anonymously, said: “We wear mismatched, garish shoes on the outside because that’s how we feel on the inside. And it’s getting worse.

“Suarez would be fit to play by now if he hadn’t insisted in training in silver python Christian Louboutin heels, and Andres Iniesta is openly wearing big red clown shoes.

“By the final, expect to see Lionel Messi in a pair of six-inch transparent platforms with a live goldfish in each heel.

“And then your mind is gone.”