England squad begins 10-year voyage home

ROY Hodgson and his England team have boarded their ship to begin their epic journey back to the UK.

The squad, who will row a two-masted trireme, expect to be home within a month but have embarked on an odyssey that will last a decade.

Hodgson said: “First of all we’ll be blown off course to the Falkland Islands where Adam Lallana will be sodomised by a one-eyed man in a cave.

“That is mainly his own fault, though, because he disguised himself as a sheep.

“Next, a mysterious sorceress will transform the entire squad into pigs for a bit which, again, looking at most of them I’m sure they can take in their stride.

“The beautiful sirens who’ll attempt to lure us to our deaths on rocks will be ignored, first because the lads are used to that kind of thing and second because they’ve all got their headphones on.

“Finally, we’ll arrive back in England to find that ten years have passed, that all their clubs and WAGs have long since replaced them and that their names are pretty much forgotten.

“Which still compares well to the esteem in which the Golden Generation are held, and at least we’ve missed Mark Lawrenson’s post-match analysis.”

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It wasn’t as if Suarez bit a child, say experts

EXPERTS have stressed that Luis Suarez bit a large Italian footballer and not a tiny child.

With many calling for the Uruguayan striker to be jailed, doctors said Suarez’s victim had already made a full recovery, despite pretending to be dead.

Sports injury specialist, Dr Martin Bishop, said: “The key difference between biting an opponent and going in hard with your studs up is that biting them is much, much more interesting.

“The actual biting injury is usually pretty mild. Mr Suarez is a medium-sized Uruguayan, not a Sumatran tiger.”

Dr Bishop added: “If Mr Suarez had ran towards the crowd, grabbed a small child and bit it on the face, then yes, you want the police involved at that point.

“But, as far as I understand, Mr Suarez has no desire to bite infants. He just wants to bite large professional footballers. Preferably Italian.

“Despite what Alan Shearer may tell you, that’s perfectly normal.”

Meanwhile, many fans have welcomed the incident and called on Fifa to legalise biting on a trial basis.

Stephen Malley, from Peterborough, said: “There is something dark and primal about it which I find utterly irresistible.

“Give both teams 10 bites each. And it has to be below the waist.”