Historically accurate 80s night features nuclear paranoia, AIDS and riots

A NEW 1980s-themed nightclub gives patrons an authentic experience of a profoundly painful decade.

The Atomic! club, which opens in Birmingham next week,  takes clubbers chronologically through the years 1980-1989.

Owner Tom Booker said: “We begin with the place in flames from a race riot, bin lids and bricks flying through the air, and it only gets more exciting.

“Everyone acts like they’re enjoying themselves but inwardly they’re convinced they’re going to die in a nuclear holocaust, which lends it the thinly-veiled desperation of a stag night.

“Nobody gets any sex because they’re too terrified of catching a terminal disease. Homophobia is, of course, encouraged.

“About halfway through the night the yuppies arrive and three-quarters of the dancefloor gets cordoned off for their exclusive use.

“The good news is if you stay until about quarter to two, just before we close, we give you an E and then knock down the wall with sledgehammers.”

The club charges £10 admission for Southerners and everything in the current account, your savings and your house for Northerners, the Scottish and the Welsh.

22-year-old Helen Archer said: “This is completely wrong. The entirety of the 80s is: Rubik’s Cube, puffball skirts, Knight Rider and the milder aspects of Margaret Thatcher.

“I won’t have people rewriting history.”

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‘Socialising’ means getting pissed

THE term ‘socialising’ actually means drinking heavily, it has emerged.

After research found that Britons were running up debts due to ‘socialising’, further analysis showed this to be a euphemism for ‘drinking heavily with other people nearby’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Referring to one’s social life wrongly suggests social activities, when really it’s about your own private world of alcoholic oblivion.

“For British people, the purpose of going out is not to chat with friends over lunch, attend a barbeque or meet new people at a salsa class, but to ingest ethyl alcohol while not technically being alone.

“Usually no interaction is required beyond the occasional ‘Alright’ or ‘Whose round is it?’

“Obviously it’s possible to get drunk at a dinner party, but in pubs you can just eat crisps and peanuts in silence and not waste valuable drinking time pretending to be interested in the lasagne.”

Brubaker added that Britons were flexible in their definition of socialising, which also included drinking a bottle of vodka on your own while talking to Fiona Bruce on the news.