THE England squad is under pressure to master the subjunctive tense before travelling to France for Euro 2016.
While the majority of the 23-man squad can capably order a crepe and describe their hobbies to a pen-pal in French, manager Roy Hodgson fears their lack of grammatical nous will be shown up in the tournament.
He said: “It’s a young squad, and I’m not expecting them to effortlessly gender nouns after a couple of weeks together.
“But if we’re still confusing the indefinite and partive article when we take to the pitch in Marseille we’re in big trouble.
“No, Marcus, no! He’s your bloody teammate, you don’t need to use the formal form of address! Tu, for fuck’s sake, tu!”
Harry Kane said: “The pundits write us off, but I honestly believe we can correctly use any modal verb on our day and lift La Championnat d’Europe.
“Wait, I meant Le Championnat d’Europe. Shit.”