Churchill reference a bit obscure, worries racist

A BRITISH patriot is worried that the five pound note featuring Winston Churchill is too obscure for its target audience. 

Wayne Hayes of Leominster believes that while hardcore English nationalists like himself are familiar with Churchill the reference will be lost on many.

He continued: “We would have been a lot better off with a bulldog wearing a Union Jack waistcoat sitting in front of a Union Jack.

“Trust me, the lads I meet in the Dukes Head on a Friday night couldn’t be more patriotic – their tattoos speak for themselves – but they’re not really up to speed on who was prime minister 70-odd years ago.

“Could we not have had a more modern, relatable racist, like Ron Atkinson?”

Friend Tom Logan agreed: “Never heard of him, and I’m always watching programmes about World War Two.

“Though to be fair they generally focus on the Nazis.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Love isn’t all about flowers, candlelight and expensive gifts. Sometimes it’s about the little things in life like not calling them “Shit-for-brains”.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Not a great year as you’re going to be a martyr to hoof-rot and cracked udder through the summer, so that’s wearing a bikini out of the question.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Time heals all wounds. For example, you can barely remember a thing about Avatar. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. In fact the first Steve didn’t come along until 3,500BC, when he was begat by Esau. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You love to nip into your favourite farm shop, a friendly family-run place, where you buy fresh fruit, superb cuts of meat and 2,000 gallons of red diesel. 

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your new acid-destructed jeans are so 80s you’re instructed only to give them a gentle synth wash. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can remember your first boyfriend, your first kiss, losing your virginity and your first broken heart because they all conveniently happened within 12 minutes of each other at Holly Turnbull’s 16th birthday party.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Family trouble as your son fails to get the school place he wanted, and you’re arrested by two Aurors for punching the Sorting Hat right in the brim. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A bad week at work, as once again your total incompetence at any given task causes problems. Still, they knew you were an Aquarius when they hired you. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This weekend while fishing you meet a beautiful mermaid, who leads you seductively into the water and asks you to fertilise a small pile of eggs in some seaweed. And hurry up about it.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Tomorrow, you’re transported back in time from modern Wales to ancient Wales. By Sunday you notice. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
All the planets and most of the stars align this week in a straight line that points directly to under your bed. Time to come clean about what’s there.