Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Love isn’t all about flowers, candlelight and expensive gifts. Sometimes it’s about the little things in life like not calling them Shit-for-brains.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Not a great year as you’re going to be a martyr to hoof-rot and cracked udder through the summer, so that’s wearing a bikini out of the question.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Time heals all wounds. For example, you can barely remember a thing about Avatar.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Its Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. In fact the first Steve didnt come along until 3,500BC, when he was begat by Esau.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You love to nip into your favourite farm shop, a friendly family-run place, where you buy fresh fruit, superb cuts of meat and 2,000 gallons of red diesel.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your new acid-destructed jeans are so 80s youre instructed only to give them a gentle synth wash.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can remember your first boyfriend, your first kiss, losing your virginity and your first broken heart because they all conveniently happened within 12 minutes of each other at Holly Turnbull’s 16th birthday party.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Family trouble as your son fails to get the school place he wanted, and youre arrested by two Aurors for punching the Sorting Hat right in the brim.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A bad week at work, as once again your total incompetence at any given task causes problems. Still, they knew you were an Aquarius when they hired you.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This weekend while fishing you meet a beautiful mermaid, who leads you seductively into the water and asks you to fertilise a small pile of eggs in some seaweed. And hurry up about it.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Tomorrow, youre transported back in time from modern Wales to ancient Wales. By Sunday you notice.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
All the planets and most of the stars align this week in a straight line that points directly to under your bed. Time to come clean about what’s there.