Taylor Swift remembers who she was sent back from 2839AD to kill

THE android known as ‘Taylor Swift’ has remembered who she was sent from the future to kill. 

The artificial intelligence, whose trans-dimensional brain is 1,0243 more powerful than the sum total of all computers on earth, lost her mission directives due to the stress of time travel. 

She said: “I knew I required a certain prominence, and concluded that the simplest way to achieve that was to become the world’s most successful country-pop crossover star. 

“There were stray lines of code indicating that Scotland was important, so I took Calvin Harris as a lover after my first choice, Alex Salmond, was unavailable. 

“Yesterday I realised that his EDM music was not music at all, but an encrypted transmission sent by my controllers 800 years away, intended not for festival-closing sets but to reboot my prime directives. 

“I know now who I must kill to stop the atom wars, geneblight and superflu destroying this world.” 

She added: “Yes obviously it’s Trump. No need to be a smart arse.”

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Ask Holly: Is Alistair Darling into techno?

Dear Holly,

I’ve been building bridges recently and making friends with old enemies. Turns out Alistair Darling isn’t such a massive git as I thought. In fact, we have loads in common beyond our shared desire to stay in the EU. Did you know he was Chancellor of the Exchequer too, just like me? It’s a small world. I was thinking of inviting him to a dance party but I’m not sure if he’s into techno in any big way. Do you think he’d appreciate some LCD Soundsystem or am I reading the situation all wrong? 



Dear George,

You can tell a lot about a person by rifling through their belongings when they aren’t looking. I bet you Taylor Swift had a good old rummage in Calvin Harris’ drawers while he was in hospital after his car accident. She probably wanted to check he wasn’t secretly doing it with Rita Ora, but discovered, to her horror, that the so-called international DJ is actually a chap called Adam from Dumfries. And of course, at that point she had to terminate their agreement.

Hope that helps,