THE android known as ‘Taylor Swift’ has remembered who she was sent from the future to kill.
The artificial intelligence, whose trans-dimensional brain is 1,0243 more powerful than the sum total of all computers on earth, lost her mission directives due to the stress of time travel.
She said: “I knew I required a certain prominence, and concluded that the simplest way to achieve that was to become the world’s most successful country-pop crossover star.
“There were stray lines of code indicating that Scotland was important, so I took Calvin Harris as a lover after my first choice, Alex Salmond, was unavailable.
“Yesterday I realised that his EDM music was not music at all, but an encrypted transmission sent by my controllers 800 years away, intended not for festival-closing sets but to reboot my prime directives.
“I know now who I must kill to stop the atom wars, geneblight and superflu destroying this world.”
She added: “Yes obviously it’s Trump. No need to be a smart arse.”