RICKY Pontings retirement has caused English cricketers to slowly unclench their buttocks.
After a career making Englands test bowlers wish they were sufficiently inbred to play rugby, Ponting will travel the country ceremonially handing ex-opponents their arses back.
Ponting said: If that gets boring I might just get dressed up in my full kit, hide behind things and leap out at ex-players to scare the piss out of them.
Flintoff has got his boxing match tonight so I might really shit him up by carrying the round card in a pair of hotpants.
In the past 15 years, players visiting Australia have received a booklet warning of local dangers with photos of redback spiders, box jellyfish and Pontings face.
Ponting is playing in his final test against South Africa but many fear that, like Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees, he may reappear just when everyone thinks they are safe to bat out an attacking 50.
Ponting said: I want Nasser, Tufnell and the rest of them know that they can hand their panic alarms back to the MCC.
“Id still keep the number ex-directory if I were them, though, as I might be tempted to ring them in the middle of the night and make the sound of a ball being twatted over the boundary.