English cricketers come out of hiding

RICKY Ponting’s retirement has caused English cricketers to slowly unclench their buttocks.

After a career making England’s test bowlers wish they were sufficiently inbred to play rugby, Ponting will travel the country ceremonially handing ex-opponents their arses back.

Ponting said: “If that gets boring I might just get dressed up in my full kit, hide behind things and leap out at ex-players to scare the piss out of them.

“Flintoff has got his boxing match tonight so I might really shit him up by carrying the round card in a pair of hotpants.”

In the past 15 years, players visiting Australia have received a booklet warning of local dangers with photos of redback spiders, box jellyfish and Ponting’s face.

Ponting is playing in his final test against South Africa but many fear that, like Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees, he may reappear just when everyone thinks they are safe to bat out an attacking 50.

Ponting said: “I want Nasser, Tufnell and the rest of them know that they can hand their panic alarms back to the MCC.

“I’d still keep the number ex-directory if I were them, though, as I might be tempted to ring them in the middle of the night and make the sound of a ball being twatted over the boundary.”



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Immigration down as foreigners finally do some research

IMMIGRATION has fallen after people finally bothered to find out what Britain is actually like.

New figures suggest internet-savvy would-be immigrants from eastern Europe, Asia and Africa are abandoning their travel plans after spending an average of just four minutes online.

Ishmar Ahmed, from Bangladesh, said: “You do seem to spend an awful lot of time – you know, as a society – just talking shit.

“You don’t seem to make anything and as far as I can tell most of you work in marketing, advertising and public relations. No ta.”

Nicolae Gromescu, from Romania, said: “I went on to the Trainline.com and created a hypothetical peak time journey from Portsmouth to Nottingham. You must think I’m some kind of fucking arsehole.”

And Nigerian Ben Habila added: “As someone who enjoys good food and friendly, professional service I think I’ll stick to fighting in a civil war.

“Also, Made in Chelsea? Are you all 14 year-old girls or something?”