Ferguson Reveals Ending To 'The Wire'

SIR Alex Ferguson last night continued his policy of ruining the ends of things by revealing the conclusion to hit US drama series The Wire.

Interviewed after Manchester United's last-gasp winner again Aston Villa, Ferguson destroyed the hopes and dreams of the thousands of viewers who have just started watching it on BBC2.

Speaking to the Shopping Channel, the last remaining media outlet he is willing to talk to, the United coach praised the referee for allowing 26 minutes of stoppage time before bellowing out the endings to a series of popular films and TV shows.

He added: "Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis is ghost. Fight Club, Brad Pitt is imaginary. Crying Game, the girl has a cock."

Before the match, Ferguson roamed  the stands with a pin, bursting small children’s balloons and screaming that there was no Father Christmas into their sobbing faces.

He has also been banned from all libraries and bookshops in the Greater Manchester area for tearing out the last page of crime novels and then sellotaping it inside the front cover.

Meanwhile in a horrifying conclusion to yesterday's game, United's winner was scored by debutant Federico Macheda, recently grown from a petri dish in the club's Youth Laboratory.

Ferguson said: "There are millions like him in test tubes and beakers just waiting to be released. Eventually I will make one that can fly."
The result led to widespread disturbances across Liverpool where local police said that lootings were almost 1% higher than a typical Sunday night.

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North Korea Named New Big Scary Thing

NORTH Korea has been designated as the new big thing designed to scare the holy living shit out of you, the United Nations has confirmed.

The tiny Asian country was promoted by the UN Security Council after testing what experts say was a ballistic missile capable of wiping out millions of innocent people, or a communications satellite equipped with a death ray capable of wiping out millions of innocent people.

Bookies’ favourite Iran responded last night by threatening to kill a bucket of puppies, but the move was immediately dismissed by North Korea who stressed that was what most of its population would be having for its tea.

Experts say the decision will lead to an endless series of Sunday Times articles about Kim Jong Il’s army of robot soldiers as well as a new wave of North Korean-themed hats, t-shirts and badges being worn by people who understand nothing.

More importantly the new designation means emotionless North Koreans will replace olive-skinned Arabs as the default villains in the next generation of Hollywood thrillers.

Security analyst and film critic Julian Cook said: “At the moment there is a shortage of heavyweight North Korean actors, so I’d imagine that for the first few years they’ll have to rely on Pete Postlethwaite.

“He somehow managed to pull-off Mr Kobayashi, the Japanese criminal fixer in The Usual Suspects, even though if you look closely it’s obviously just a bloke from Warrington in a bit of eye make-up.”

He added: “Personally I’m hoping Sean Connery can be coaxed out of retirement to play a North Korean submarine commander whose unsophisticated rural accent makes him sound exactly like a Scotchman.”