Flintoff to fight using cricket bat

SPORTING icon Andrew Flintoff’s foray into boxing will be made easier by the presence of his trusty 3lb bat.

The World Boxing Association has approved the former cricketer’s application to fight using his Wormwood cricket bat provided he avoids his opponent’s genitals.

Flintoff’s trainer Barry McGuigan said: “This turns Freddy from a boxer with no real aptitude for the sport at all, into a very, very dangerous fighter indeed.

“He’s already clubbed six sparring partners unconscious.”

Flintoff said: “With my bat I’m like a surgeon. It’s a weapon, a shield and if you hold it at either end across your opponent’s throat you can use it like a garrotte.”

He followed up his comments by brutally cover-driving journeyman fighter Stephen Malley straight to the temple.

Flintoff said: “I’ve really missed that sound of skull on willow, and the combination of the blood and linseed oil gives the bat a lovely rich sheen.”

Flintoff is the second person to be allowed a sporting weapon in the boxing ring. Seve Ballesteros fought Chris Eubank with a 9-iron at a 1993 fundraiser where the boxer famously lost use of his soft palate.



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'Loyal' penguin's 10,000 mile journey includes brothel detour

MAGELLANIC penguins, supposedly nature’s most loyal animals, have a whorehouse on their migration route.

It had been believed that the birds remain faithful to one life-long partner, despite making long individual journeys between southern Argentina and Brazil.

However research by the Institute for Studies found that Mustang Sally’s Tits-A-Go-Go, a large neon-lit ‘erotic resort’, is on the birds’ migration path.

Proprietor Mustang Sally said: “We get a lot of Magellanic penguins in here, they’re big spenders but they want the real kinky shit.

“We had a penguin in this morning, he was like, ‘I’m a horny bird with a flipper full of cash, bring me girls of varying ethnicities’.

“Sometimes they want to bone, other times they just lounge around eating fish and watching the live girl-on-girl stage show.”

However Magellanic penguin Tom Logan said: “I might have visited Tits-A-Go-Go but only because I was tired and wanted a warm bed after walking 5,000 miles on tiny stumpy legs, which I think is fair enough.

“I always just assumed it was a normal bed and breakfast, never saw any funny stuff going on.

“Anyway, I’ve got a wife and chicks back home and have no interest in any of these girls that supposedly work there, especially Candice with the endless legs and eyes the colour of fresh sprats.”