Football 'originally played with a severed head'

A SEVERED head has been kicked around the Queen’s lawn to celebrate 150 years of football.

Two teams of teenagers punted the battered human head around the grounds of Buckingham Palace in a historically-accurate recreation of sport’s genesis.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “‘Football began a century and a half ago, when a potato thief was captured by angry villagers and summarily beheaded.

“The killers thought it would be fun to kick the head around for a bit. Soon an area between two mules was designated ‘the goal’ and an unruly mob gathered to watch.

“In some areas of the far North a severed head is still used instead of a ball.”

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Crying now meaningless

THE act of shedding tears has been made emotionally meaningless by The X Factor.

The show’s over-exploitation of visible despair has disabled the sympathetic response formerly evoked by seeing a crying person.

Psychologist Emma Bradford said: “As a race we have always felt pity towards those weeping, assuming they were experiencing some genuine suffering.

“Now though we believe it’s either a devious ploy to avoid disappointment, or that the tearful person has been thwarted in their quest for fame.”

Plasterer Bill McKay said: “The wife was sobbing because her nan died. All I felt was mild annoyance and the urge to make withering comments from the sofa while eating crisps.

“I realised then that I had been conditioned. But I still couldn’t bring myself to hug her, instead I just went for a walk.”

Joanne Kramer of Cardiff agreed: “When my home was hit by a lorry, I threw myself on the floor, weeping and saying ‘No, please no,’ while curled up into a ball.

“Passers-by commented ‘Aw, look at the baby,’ ‘Was the nasty judge mean to you?’ and ‘Was it your dream? Was it your dreeeeeem?’.

“I wanted to explain that I was legitimately sad but I couldn’t, because I was crying too hard.”