MANCHESTER United and Chelsea have successfully relaunched their totally fictitious rivalry.
The two clubs fought a heavily-contested Community Shield match that nevertheless failed to contain a single booking, with United eventually being crowned the top team out of the two playing that particular match.
United have now earned the right to dub themselves the Communityist Shielders in English football for the next 12 months.
After the match, Manchester executive Sir Alex Ferguson stoked up the rivalry between the subsection of the Premier league he is employed to oversee and the other subsection that do exactly the same thing as his employees do but in blue clothes.
Sir Alex said: “As any person that has formulated an arbitrary and specious justification to align themselves with the company I work for will tell you, Chelsea are an organisation whose ability to fulfil their 90 minutes’ worth of obligations a week is quite prodigious.
“As such, they will feel an inordinate amount of enmity toward them in a way they’re never quite able to justify or quantify.
“But I feel I can ask my staff to stand in specific places on a field and kick the ball in particular ways better than they can.â€
But Chelsea’s Ian Ancelotti has hit back at Ferguson’s claims in a furious tirade, adding: “Our company has the best set of people who pay money to watch our staff do their job in the world.
“I am confident that, come next May, they will have watched them successfully complete this work more often than Mr Ferguson’s company.”