Fouling Suarez to become legal

THE FA has confirmed that as of 7pm last night, kicking Luis Suarez is no longer a punishable offence.

The nibbly striker has been the cause of several bookings this season after players have kicked him, including yesterday’s red card against Paulinho, which many supporters feel is against the spirit of the game.

FA spokesman Tom Logan said: “We’ll keep it to just kicking him as hard as anyone likes for now but if he doesn’t get the picture then we’ll legalise biting him a bit as well.”

The Uruguayan will appeal against the FA’s ruling later this week but their lawyers have defended the decision on the basis they made it as a friendly, conciliatory gesture.

The FA will also send Suarez a basket of apples with a note asking how he likes them.

Similar previous measures have been used by the FA, such as the now-defunct 2002 ruling that required all references to Robbie Savage, both on and off the pitch, to be prefaced with the phrase ‘that arsehole’.

Match of the Day has supported the move, with the show launching a ‘Hoofing Suarez in the nuts of the month’ competition.

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Parcel deliveries forcing neighbour interaction

BRITONS are having to visit neighbours because they have their Amazon stuff.

Across the UK, thousands are having to go next door to collect Christmas packages their neighbours grudgingly accepted from delivery drivers.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Since moving in two years ago I studiously avoided all neighbourly contact. Because all neighbours are from hell.

“Then yesterday I saw the rectangular card saying they had signed for my husband’s footballer biography.

“I knocked on the door and after five minutes’ of TB-style coughing a humanoid form was visible through the glass.

“The door opened a crack and a clawed hand emerged holding a small cardboard box with my name on it.

“The house smelled strongly of peanuts and I think I saw a goat moving around in there.”

Roy Hobbs from Swindon said: “After my neighbours signed for my DHL parcel I feel a terrible sense of debt to them.

“I’m going to have to give them a fucking Christmas card now.”