WEST Bromwich Albion are confident that changing manager will transform them into a top four worldwide football club.
Former manager Steve Clarke, sacked this weekend, is thought to be the only obstacle stopping a small club on the outskirts of Birmingham dominating European football.
Chairman Norman Steele said: “Our replica shirt sales in China are just 0.023 per cent of Manchester United’s, and that’s just one of the many problems that can be laid directly at Steve Clarke’s door.
“Our stadium holds fewer than 30,000 fans, we’re not based in a desirable London location, and our club badge looks like clip art for a bootleg Christmas card.
“When I asked Steve Clarke how he planned to rectify all that, he had no convincing answers.”
The club’s targets for this season are to qualify for the Champion’s League, to ditch shirt sponsors Zoopla for a multi-million deal with Goldman Sachs, and to sign Lionel Messi.
The executive board also hope to swap their longstanding rivalry with Wolves for a upscale rivalry with Paris St Germain, and to change their thrush mascot for something that isn’t also a genital yeast infection.
The shortlist of cremé de la cremé managerial candidates includes Johan Cruyff, Sir Alex Ferguson, Pep Guardiola and, of course, Sam Allardyce.
Steele said: “We want the very best. Though if they’re not available, I’m sure we can turn our fortunes around by hiring a manager previously fired by another struggling club. That always works.”