Gazza offers Cole some chicken

UNHINGED gunman Ashley Cole was last night offered a variety of objects by Paul Gascoigne.

The former England international has been attempting to contact Cole via loud hailer from a car parked outside Chelsea’s Cobham training ground since yesterday afternoon.

So far, Gascoigne has been seen waving a fishing rod, a family-sized pack of Wagon Wheels and a DVD box set of The Rockford Files in a bid to get Cole’s attention.

Security guard Bill McKay said: “Gazza keeps shouting at Mr Cole to put the air rifle down so they can watch the Rockford ‘Making Of…’ featurette over a glass of Um Bongo and what’s left of his KFC.”

Gascoigne stressed he had known Cole for years, insisting he was a ‘good lad’ apart from the infidelity, the self-pitying autobiography and general shit-eating arrogance.

He added: “But right now he’s going to need a Haynes manual for a Volkswagen Polo, a Monopoly set with the dog missing and a giant pack of bourbon biscuits.”

The crazed shooting spree is understood to be Cole’s response after being recently out-fuckered by England team-mate Wayne Rooney.

Cole’s agent, Tom Logan, said: “Since turning 30, Ashley’s realised that he hasn’t got many years left of being thought of as a piece-of-shit by football fans and normal people.

“Randomly shooting members of the public is a good, solid start. If only it hadn’t been a student.”

 

 

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Hathaway costume changes delight England wicket keeper

ANNE Hathaway’s eight costume changes were a triumph, according to Surrey and England wicket keeper Steven Davies.

Davies said the Oscars co-host had shown grace and poise and was the perfect foil for the delicious James Franco.

The 24 year-old middle-order batsman who has kept wicket for England in Twenty20 and One Day International matches added: “I thought the burgundy gown was breathtaking.

“She’s got his wonderful Audrey Hepburn thing going on. Coquettish and playful but with an air of sexy mystery.

“I’d love to see her in a remake of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. No, scratch that. My Fair Lady. One word – amazing.”

Dismissing claims he asked to be left out of England’s World Cup squad as it would have clashed with his Oscars party, Davies said: “Matt Prior is an outstanding wicket keeper, but I’m sure my time will come.

“Anyway who wants a glass of this pink stuff? I’ve no idea what’s in it but it’s yummy.”

Meanwhile, Surrey season ticket holders are coming to terms with the fact that their wicket keeper is a massive Anne Hathaway fan.

Roy Hobbs, who once had a pint with the great Sir Alec Bedser, said: “I shall be writing to the chairman. Players who have Oscar parties should be tail-enders at best. And I’m not happy with him being that close to the crease.”

Hobbs added: “God knows what Sir Alec would think. He was such a wonderful servant to the club as well having great, meaty forearms and a lovely, soft tongue.”