Gazza offers Cole some chicken
UNHINGED gunman Ashley Cole was last night offered a variety of objects by Paul Gascoigne.
The former England international has been attempting to contact Cole via loud hailer from a car parked outside Chelsea’s Cobham training ground since yesterday afternoon.
So far, Gascoigne has been seen waving a fishing rod, a family-sized pack of Wagon Wheels and a DVD box set of The Rockford Files in a bid to get Cole’s attention.
Security guard Bill McKay said: “Gazza keeps shouting at Mr Cole to put the air rifle down so they can watch the Rockford ‘Making Of…’ featurette over a glass of Um Bongo and what’s left of his KFC.”
Gascoigne stressed he had known Cole for years, insisting he was a ‘good lad’ apart from the infidelity, the self-pitying autobiography and general shit-eating arrogance.
He added: “But right now he’s going to need a Haynes manual for a Volkswagen Polo, a Monopoly set with the dog missing and a giant pack of bourbon biscuits.”
The crazed shooting spree is understood to be Cole’s response after being recently out-fuckered by England team-mate Wayne Rooney.
Cole’s agent, Tom Logan, said: “Since turning 30, Ashley’s realised that he hasn’t got many years left of being thought of as a piece-of-shit by football fans and normal people.
“Randomly shooting members of the public is a good, solid start. If only it hadn’t been a student.”