Gaddafi welcomed by online forums

LIBYAN leader Colonel Gaddafi has been offered sanctuary by the internet’s legion of keyboard warriors.

A coalition of 9/11 conspiracy theorists, crop circleologists and everybody who’s ever clicked ‘like’ under a Daily Mail news story has offered to shelter the middle-east’s premier genocidal Tom Jones impersonator.

IT consultant Wayne Hayes, operating under the online name Sheeple69, said: “He’s been reliably Icke for years but the recent troubles have really seen him stretch himself into whole new realms of join-the-dots-motherfucker-ness.

“I moderate a forum where every member is assigned one of the 486 frames of the Zapruder footage of the JFKKK – yeah, I said it – assassination.

“Unfortunately, as founder of the site I had to take frame 1, which is a bit dull, but on the lefthand side of the frame you can see a shadow which looks like Castro in profile.

“Anyway, I think the Colonel would fit right in with the guys, so long as he starts dropping a few more Hitler references.

“He just needs to pass the entrance exam, which is a 35,000-word essay on why the head of every major financial institution has a tattoo of L Ron Hubbard on their arse.”

Gaddafi has yet to comment on the offer as he is currently assembling a Powerpoint presentation proving that Um Bongo spiked with brown acid is being air-dropped by US troops over towns in a plot to make Libyan teenagers think their leader is actually a pissed lion wrapped in a bedsheet.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Train company unveils 34-syllable ticket

THE new Semi-Super Saver Single Return Railroader Autumn Summer Traveller Student Nurse District Pet Family Oxbow Lake Pass is actually straightforward, it has been claimed.

Best Central Trains said the 34-syllable ticket was a ‘huge step forward’ from the standard single.

A spokesman said: “You just book it online, not more than three days before your journey and not less than nine days after, and at a time in the lunar cycle when the moon may be described as ‘gibbous’.

“Although you cannot print your ticket at home, you will be issued with a simple 47-digit code, written for security reasons in the ancient language of the Sumerians.

“At the station, you simply repeat the code verbally with all the correct intonation to a friendly moustachioed robot named ‘Monsieur Le Pouton’.

“On acceptance of your code, M. Le Pouton’s moustaches will twirl and several dozen tickets and receipts will issue from his mouth, flying all over the platform.

“You’ll need to pick them all up and take every single one to your nearest owl, then punch them three times with its beak. Any owl will do, most of them are fine with this type of process.”

Commuter Nikki Hollis said: “Fuck everyone who had anything to do with this.”