STEVEN Gerrard is catatonic after realising what he has done with his life since 1998.
After a fitting send-off in which Liverpool showed some signs of promise before ultimately disappointing, the former captain woke up yesterday with an overwhelming sense of futility.
Family friend Roy Hobbs said: “He calculated he could have retired a millionaire in 2002 and spent the last 13 years drunk on a yacht.
“We took him to the room where he keeps all his medals and trophies to cheer him up but he just asked whether any of them were as beautiful as a poem and started crying again.”
Clubs have been criticised for their lack of help for retired players, with many doing little more than giving them the number for Sky Sports News.
Hobbs said: “In retrospect it was a mistake reminding him he has to do this all over again in Los Angeles surrounded by people asking him why he isn’t David Beckham.”