Gerrard suffers 16 years of self awareness overnight

STEVEN Gerrard is catatonic after realising what he has done with his life since 1998.

After a fitting send-off in which Liverpool showed some signs of promise before ultimately disappointing, the former captain woke up yesterday with an overwhelming sense of futility.

Family friend Roy Hobbs said: “He calculated he could have retired a millionaire in 2002 and spent the last 13 years drunk on a yacht.

“We took him to the room where he keeps all his medals and trophies to cheer him up but he just asked whether any of them were as beautiful as a poem and started crying again.”

Clubs have been criticised for their lack of help for retired players, with many doing little more than giving them the number for Sky Sports News.

Hobbs said: “In retrospect it was a mistake reminding him he has to do this all over again in Los Angeles surrounded by people asking him why he isn’t David Beckham.”

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Army kept me off mean streets of Kensington, says Harry

PRINCE Harry has revealed that entering the army prevented him joining a notorious South Kensington street gang.

Harry, 30, has managed to turn his life around after spending his late teens and early twenties rolling with the feared ‘Whole Foods Boys’ who operated in the urban jungle around Cromwell Road.

The prince said: “I’m proof that there’s hope for anyone, whether they’re a future monarch, an Earl or even just the son of a multi-millionaire.

“I used to own the streets of SW7. Literally. I’d cruise around my turf, looking for bitches who had their own entry in Debretts Peerage.

“I’d leave Waitrose without putting my basket back on the stack and just walk into Whole Foods and eat a handful of grapes without paying for them. I was an animal.”

While Harry avoided being sucked into the destructive spiral so commonly associated with young men growing up in Kensington, others were not so fortunate.

Harry said: “It breaks my heart when I run into one of my boys and discover he’s now the Earl of Tavistock. I want to help him but I can’t because I have to go skiing.”