Gerrard to scurry around in America

STEVEN Gerrard has confirmed plans to take his scurrying skills to the US. 

Gerrard said: “I look forward to the new challenge of trying to look useful while scurrying hither and thither near American players.

“Or, as I will call it in their street slang, ‘getting my scurry on’.

“I think Americans will appreciate my style of shooting, which could be described as ‘trigger happy’.

He added: “I want to thank the fans for all the support they’ve given me over the years when I’ve stood with my hands on my hips looking pissed off at my teammates’ incompetence.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Palace in fresh bid to save Prince Andrew’s impeccable reputation

BUCKINGHAM Palace is working overtime to stop the public losing respect for Prince Andrew.

As the Queen’s second oldest son became embroiled in a sex scandal, Palace officials fear it could undermine his important work with central Asian billionaires and endangered animals who play golf.

A source said: “A lot of those billionaires now play golf because of Prince Andrew.

“But where’s his fancy title and free helicopter?”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I’m always telling my children to be more like Prince Andrew.

“Like any parent I just want my kids to prance about in tartan slacks and spend a huge amount of time in Azerbaijan for no apparent reason.”