God may intervene to keep Sunderland up

GOD has admitted being tempted to step in to keep Sunderland in the Premier League.

After losing 5-1 to Tottenham, manager Gus Poyet took the unorthodox step of appealing to the master of the universe for assistance.

God said: “I used to get involved a lot more in football, most weekends I was determining the result of Ayr-Forfar or denying Rochdale a penalty.

“Still there’s no greater use of my divine power than preventing a team having to play Huddersfield so I’ll see what I can do.

“The pre-match sacrifice of Guy Poyet’s first born son might gee me up a bit.

“And if I’ve got a miracle left over I’ll see about getting Lee Cattermole to stop hiking his shorts up to his nipples.”

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People who alter their houses told to stop acting like heroes

HOME improvement enthusiasts are not doing anything that worthwhile, it has been claimed.

Researchers highlighted a tendency for house-adapters to talk about their ‘build’ in heroic tones while describing the many obstacles they have overcome.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “People who do work on their houses are really just giving themselves a nice present.

“They’re not changing the world for the better, like some brush-wielding Marvel superheroes.

“And if your house is shit to begin with it’s never going to be that great anyway.”

40-year-old Stephen Malley said: “We’ve got a very specific vision of how we want our home remodelled.

“It’s going to be light and airy, combining contemporary design with traditional materials. Basically we are creating a sanctum, where everything will be lovely forever.

“And if it means we have to sleep in the spare bedroom while the builders are in, we’re prepared to make those kind of profound sacrifices.

“It’s what Noah would have done if he didn’t have a flood to worry about, or Gandhi if he wasn’t doing whatever it is he did.”