Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If the term ‘geek’ these days just means somebody with a detailed interest in something, you’re a real pornography geek.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Why not ask your local court to send you some film of the accused and you can tell them whether you reckon they’re guilty or not?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve been working on your novel for so long you spend half your time removing references to things like pagers and 8-track cassettes.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your boss is unimpressed on Tuesday when you claim her decision to suspend you while they investigate that stolen whisky is a witch-hunt due to the Leveson Enquiry.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve always done your bit for charity by living in such poverty everything in your house was bought in Oxfam.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your preparations for the London Marathon on Sunday are going well as wake up dressed as a bear and drenched in urine.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Dr Dre used to help with harvesting at your farm but you had to fire him for his insistence on dropping the beets.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
At the video reading of your grandad’s will, you learn that he spent the last of his money hiring a camera crew to film the video reading of the will.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Trapping your genitals in the fly of a pair of jeans, you’re rushed to hospital shortly after being permanently banned from River Island.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your WWII re-enactment gets a little out of hand this weekend as you and six of your mates get drunk and accidentally annexe the Sudetenland.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re the water-bearer, right? How about you piss off with this weather, then?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Contains flash photography, traces of peanut and scenes of a sexual nature.