Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If the term ‘geek’ these days just means somebody with a detailed interest in something, you’re a real pornography geek.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Why not ask your local court to send you some film of the accused and you can tell them whether you reckon they’re guilty or not?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve been working on your novel for so long you spend half your time removing references to things like pagers and 8-track cassettes.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your boss is unimpressed on Tuesday when you claim her decision to suspend you while they investigate that stolen whisky is a witch-hunt due to the Leveson Enquiry.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve always done your bit for charity by living in such poverty everything in your house was bought in Oxfam.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your preparations for the London Marathon on Sunday are going well as wake up dressed as a bear and drenched in urine.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Dr Dre used to help with harvesting at your farm but you had to fire him for his insistence on dropping the beets.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
At the video reading of your grandad’s will, you learn that he spent the last of his money hiring a camera crew to film the video reading of the will.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Trapping your genitals in the fly of a pair of jeans, you’re rushed to hospital shortly after being permanently banned from River Island.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your WWII re-enactment gets a little out of hand this weekend as you and six of your mates get drunk and accidentally annexe the Sudetenland.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re the water-bearer, right? How about you piss off with this weather, then?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Contains flash photography, traces of peanut and scenes of a sexual nature.

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Television cleverer than books

WATCHING television drama is more mind-expanding than reading contemporary fiction, it has been claimed.

Leading intellectuals believe that the quality of televised entertainment has increased in inverse proportion to that of books, which are now all about footballers, celebrities and vampires.

English literature professor Roy Hobbs said: “Book shops used to be havens of the mind, now they are full of bondage-busters and lilac-coloured paperbacks about sassy single women juggling a harem of hot men.

“And I can’t enthuse my students about the printed word when last Friday’s Justified kicked the shit out of anything by Hanif Kureishi.”

Readers are increasingly ostracised for their perverse lowbrow interests, with most office water cooler congregations now segregated into television sophisticates, non-spoilers, and bottomfeeders.

Legal manager Julian Cook said: “My boss asked what I’d done with my weekend and replied that I’d been rereading Joyce’s Ulysses.

“To my surprise, he sneered and said ‘Well, I suppose if you don’t want to stretch yourself,’ and turned away to discuss allegorical themes in The Good Wife with the work experience kid.

“I used to boast about being in a book group. Now people ask me if it’s some kind of therapy.”