Public furious about having to find out who Maria Miller is

BRITONS are outraged about being forced to look up Maria Miller on the internet.

36-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “When I saw her on the news, my first thought was that Pauline Quirke for Birds of a Feather had lost a few pounds. Then I was like, Maria who?

“I deeply resent having to research this anonymous lady who is suddenly all over the news. Taking my money is one thing, but I really value my internet time.”

He added: “This whole expenses thing is far too convoluted to get in a lather about. But these pointless ‘culture secretaries’ need to start behaving because now this Miller person is taking up brain space that I’d reserved for Kim and Kanye.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Like anyone I know the names of the two big party leaders, Cameron and Farage, beyond that it’s Google time.

“We should limit these scandals to politicians who do proper stuff like wars and taxes.”

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Windows XP officially an endangered species

THE World Wildlife Fund has moved Windows XP to its endangered list, meaning that its life and habitats are protected by law.

Anyone with an old beige PC that still works must leave it undisturbed or face a heavy fine.

Microsoft yesterday ended support for Windows XP, meaning the vulnerable operating system is now defenceless against predatory malware and elderly users.

A WWF spokesman, after explaining once again he had nothing to do with Wrestlemania, said: “Operating systems need to be in the wild, living free, not just a CD-ROM or a stack of floppies in some museum.

“But tragically there are now only a handful of PCs out there still running Windows 95, and those numbers are dwindling all the time.

“We’re acting now to protect XP before it’s too late, though we won’t be doing the same for Vista. Some evolutionary dead-ends should be left to die.”

Joanna Kramer of Durham said: “My dad’s computer, which takes 20 minutes to upload a Wikipedia page, is now fenced off and guarded by WWF officers with tranquilizer guns.

“Apparently the standalone wood-effect computer workstation with keyboard tray and integrated printer stand it’s on is also very rare, so the back bedroom’s going to be declared a Site of Special Scientific Interest.”