Sunday, 1st November 2020

Gunnersaurus struggling with universal credit application

GUNNERSAURUS is struggling to complete his application for universal credit after being sacked by Arsenal yesterday.

The club’s dinosaur mascot, who has been in his position for almost 30 years, admits he is baffled by the byzantine application process.

He said: “When I was a young dinosaur it was simple. You went down the Job Centre, told them you’d paid your stamps and they’d hand over your Giro to cash at the Post Office.

“Nowadays it’s all online, which with the old paws I’m not so great at. And phone up and can you speak to a human? Can you bugger.

“Apparently I’ve got to wait over a month for my first payment. A month? I haven’t got any clothes apart from an Arsenal kit, and that’s not suitable for assessment interviews.

“I’m tied into a shared house rental contract in Tufnell Park – I live with Buzz Bee, Brentford’s mascot – and I need to eat 33 kilos of plant matter a day. I can’t manage that on £409.89 a month.”

He added: “Bubbles the Bear’s texted, from West Ham. Asking if I want in on this payroll van robbery. Well what choice do I have?”