Hodgson finalises World Cup excuses formation

ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson has settled on a first eleven excuses for failure at next year’s World Cup.

The excuses, which blend experience with a few exciting debutants, will represent their country when it performs catastrophically in Brazil.

Outlining his formation, Hodgson said: “Up front we’ve got the tiring Premier League season and injuries to key players, which we’re hoping and praying come through in the spring when we need them most.

“On the wing we’re blaming the climate of the host country, which may be new and untried now but we’ve got to learn to rely on because it’ll be absolutely crucial in Qatar.

“In midfield we’ll be blaming Gerrard and Lampard’s failure to gel, though not without some sadness as that’s the last time we’ll be able to use an excuse from the Golden Generation.

“At the back, we’ve got the classic combination of the Brazilian nightlife and the distraction of the WAGs, who have promised me they’re going to shop like they’ve never shopped before.

“And between the sticks, Joe Hart.”

Hodgson added: “Failing to plan for failure is planning for failure to fail.

“I won’t fall into the trap of Capello, spending all his time working on making the team better and leaving the press with no option but to pin the whole thing on him.

“England fans are relying on me to give them the excuses that will turn a miserable showing into a hard-fought moral victory for the team.”

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UK pupils maintain respectful distance from future Chinese employers

BRITAIN’S school pupils are allowing Chinese children to beat them in every academic subject in order to ensure a harmonious future workplace.

Schools, pupils and parents have agreed that industrial relations in the 21st Century will be better served if there is a marked difference in educational attainment between the upper and lower levels of the corporate workforce.

A-level student Emma Bradford said: “In 10 years’ time I do not want my Chinese boss to feel threatened by my intellect.

“If he knows that I know my place then I stand a much better chance of getting at least two weeks annual holiday, including Christmas Day.

“So if you don’t mind, I’ll just sit here and stagnate.”