Stop calling it your money, says RBS

THE Royal Bank of Scotland has reminded customers that ‘their’ money is actually its money.

The bank said giving people access to their accounts is not a core priority.

An RBS spokesman explained: “Stop whining that you can’t get money out.

“We need that cash for gambling on the international markets, profiting from commodity speculation and paying our brokers’ bonuses.

“You need it for buying celebrity autobiographies and bath salts. I think we can both agree which is more important.”

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Consumer fury as narcotics bought online fail to arrive

THE collapse of a ‘deep web’ shopping site has left hundreds of angry consumers without their drugs.

The sudden closure of illegal goods trading hub Sheep Marketplace means many shoppers will probably never get the narcotics they ordered.

24-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I paid good Bitcoins for some shit hot Moroccan hash that was a Christmas present for my boyfriend.

“This is an absolute disgrace. I wish now I’d used a physical dealer.

“I expect a full refund from whichever shady agencies run the internet and, by extension, the world.”