'National treasure' status granted to pretty much everyone

ANYONE who has appeared in the media is now a national treasure, it has been confirmed.

The government is to publish a revised, post-Operation Yewtree national treasure list later today, which includes the dancer from East 17, the entire staff of Kwik Fit and the owner of a popular Swindon kebab shop.

A spokesman said: “Gary Barlow has basically got his own day on proper radio, that’s how bad things have got in terms of our remaining cultural icons.

“Thanks to widespread sexpestery, the ranks of household names that can be fawned over in a cloyingly sentimental, vaguely nationalistic manner are desperately thin.

“Basically if you’ve had your picture in a local paper munching a baguette or been a backing dancer in a rave act, you’re now a national treasure.”

The government plans to sell off many older national treasures, including Stephen Fry and Helen Mirren, before they get a chance to disgrace themselves.

However Bruce Forsyth cannot be considered for sale as insurers are unwilling to cover the requisite 12-month warranty.

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Brain study gives men and women new ways to blame each other

A GROUND-breaking study into male and female brain function will make arguments even easier to start.

Scientists in America found that not only were men definitely told that her parents were visiting, it also confirmed that women could not read a fucking map if their multi-tasking lives depended on it.

Martin Bishop, a man from Peterborough with the innate ability to wire a plug, said: “These results prove what we already knew – my wife and I are different because her brain is defective and she’s a massive pain in the arse.

“So last week, when I asked her ‘why the fuck is the map upside down?’ I was studying her brain.”

Susan Bishop, a woman from Peterborough who can juggle, said: “You did not say ‘why the fuck is the map upside down?’ you said ‘if it makes it easier, why don’t you try holding it the other way round?’.

“You then mumbled ‘you unbelievably stupid cow’.

“The study proves that my brain is better at remembering things than yours. Science says that you now have to shut your snivelling hole.”

Mr Bishop said: “Science also says you will electrocute yourself with a sink plunger. But that doesn’t matter because you’re good at remembering.”

Mrs Bishop added: “And yet I can’t remember the last time you made me orgasm.”