Hodgson names England squad of the dead

ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson has selected a World Cup team consisting entirely of undead players.

Hodgson, who was expected to mix youth and experience, has decided that using voodoo magic to resurrect Bobby Moore and Stanley Matthews is a safer bet than hoping for goals from Daniel Sturridge.

Reanimated yesterday and taking their first training session this morning, the team’s hunger for glory is matched only by their appetite for living flesh.

Hodgson said: “You can’t beat the old lads. We’ve got Nat Lofthouse and Jackie Milburn up front, Duncan Edwards in midfield and in goal Bert Trautmann, who qualifies through residency.

“They’re very disciplined in training. Never talk back and the weight’s just falling off them.”

Odds on the team, who will begin matches by clawing their way from beneath the turf as the national anthem is played backwards, have been cut to 4/1.

The press conference concluded as Hodgson’s head was ripped from his shoulders by the zombie of Brian Clough, back from the grave to do the job unfairly denied him in life.

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Royal Mail to sell personalised postcodes

THE Royal Mail is to auction personalised postcodes to homeowners seeking to make their addresses more sexy.

The recently-privatised business has made postcodes like EDD13, 1 B055 and 5EX7 5EX7 available to bidders who want to really impress their postman.

A Royal Mail spokesman said: “How many times have you given your address out and been embarrassed by a postcode that resembles one of R2-D2’s unpopular mates?

“In business, friendship and love you’re judged on your postcode, and if you can make it almost spell out a word when you squint then you’ll have all the success you ever dreamed of.”

The idea apparently came from Vince Cable, who noticed that hate mail from constituents still arrived at his house even with invented postcodes like TO5 5ER and NO8 3ND.

However Norman Steele of Norwich said: “The problem is that this entire half of the street has the same postcode, and now our postcode is B16 D1X because of him at the end who drives the white Porsche Cayenne.

“I wouldn’t mind, but 6 doesn’t even stand in for G very well so I have to keep explaining that it’s meant to be Big Dicks to visiting tradesmen.”