Government adding cocaine to tap water

HUGE amounts of cocaine are being added to the water supply in a bid to make the population more productive.

As scientists discovered tap water was laced with the drug, the prime minister admitted that ‘Operation Gak’ began in 2008 as a bid to increase the nation’s drive and enthusiasm.

David Cameron said: “Think of it as like fluoride but for your brain.

“The banking sector has been powered by cocaine since its inception, those guys can stay up for several days at a time doing high stakes deals with no negative health effects.

“It’s a naturally occurring drug that comes from a plant. Also because we’re the government we get the best quality beak, it’s not cut with worming tablets or anything.

“Iain Duncan Smith sorts it out, he knows this ex-army guy Gerard who drives an Audi TT. Gerard always texts when he’s parked on Downing Street ‘with those CDs I borrowed’.

“Seeing as we run the police we probably don’t need to dick around like that, but Iain likes it because it makes him look hard.”

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “This explains everything about modern British culture – why we’re always fighting on public transport, obsessed with showing off and wildly impatient with the elderly.

“I guess it’s bad but I don’t want them to stop. Maybe we could have coke in the cold tap and smack in the hot tap, balance things out a bit.”

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Boudica's sideboobs of history

HISTORY is full of momentous side and underboob flashes – from Tamar seducing Judah in a roomy sarong right up to Lil’ Kim coming out of the toilet in a pair of braces.

The Druids’ stubborn refusal to write anything down means that there is no contemporary record of my epic side boob. But it was instrumental in how I inspired the people to follow me unquestioningly.

Sideboob looks easy, but is in fact a delicate operation requiring advanced understanding of the laws of physics. This is especially true for ladies with more than a handful, who will tend towards the more unpredictable ‘shoogly side boob’.

When I rode my horse through Anglesey at the start of my campaign, the hordes were on tenterhooks waiting for the bouncing motion to flop one right out of my billowing robes. But of course it didn’t. This is because I’d craftily stuck my nipples onto the inside of the fabric with peat and spit, a technique later reinvented by Anne Hathaway at the 2006 Oscars. The confidence of a woman who marches without fear is what unites the masses behind her. Thus, Anne got an Academy award and all Welshmen will follow her into certain death.

Another technique used to great success in warfare is to write baffling Latin phrases up and down your sideboob. Nothing puts a Roman off his stroke more than some utter gibberish in his native tongue. I got inked with the phrase ‘Repulsive cat ranger, rickets?’ which made many a pillager furrow his brow just long enough for me to cleave his head in two with an axe.

The mighty warrior Hayden Panetierre is the greatest living advocate of this technique and, with her side boob etched with a load of old bollocks in Italian, continues to make Romans go boss-eyed well into the 21st century.