Government adding cocaine to tap water

HUGE amounts of cocaine are being added to the water supply in a bid to make the population more productive.

"Thirsty, really thirsty, need more"

“Thirsty, really thirsty, need more”

As scientists discovered tap water was laced with the drug, the prime minister admitted that ‘Operation Gak’ began in 2008 as a bid to increase the nation’s drive and enthusiasm.

David Cameron said: “Think of it as like fluoride but for your brain.

“The banking sector has been powered by cocaine since its inception, those guys can stay up for several days at a time doing high stakes deals with no negative health effects.

“It’s a naturally occurring drug that comes from a plant. Also because we’re the government we get the best quality beak, it’s not cut with worming tablets or anything.

“Iain Duncan Smith sorts it out, he knows this ex-army guy Gerard who drives an Audi TT. Gerard always texts when he’s parked on Downing Street ‘with those CDs I borrowed’.

“Seeing as we run the police we probably don’t need to dick around like that, but Iain likes it because it makes him look hard.”

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “This explains everything about modern British culture – why we’re always fighting on public transport, obsessed with showing off and wildly impatient with the elderly.

“I guess it’s bad but I don’t want them to stop. Maybe we could have coke in the cold tap and smack in the hot tap, balance things out a bit.”