HUGE amounts of cocaine are being added to the water supply in a bid to make the population more productive.
As scientists discovered tap water was laced with the drug, the prime minister admitted that ‘Operation Gak’ began in 2008 as a bid to increase the nation’s drive and enthusiasm.
David Cameron said: “Think of it as like fluoride but for your brain.
“The banking sector has been powered by cocaine since its inception, those guys can stay up for several days at a time doing high stakes deals with no negative health effects.
“It’s a naturally occurring drug that comes from a plant. Also because we’re the government we get the best quality beak, it’s not cut with worming tablets or anything.
“Iain Duncan Smith sorts it out, he knows this ex-army guy Gerard who drives an Audi TT. Gerard always texts when he’s parked on Downing Street ‘with those CDs I borrowed’.
“Seeing as we run the police we probably don’t need to dick around like that, but Iain likes it because it makes him look hard.”
Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “This explains everything about modern British culture – why we’re always fighting on public transport, obsessed with showing off and wildly impatient with the elderly.
“I guess it’s bad but I don’t want them to stop. Maybe we could have coke in the cold tap and smack in the hot tap, balance things out a bit.”