Hollywood to film 'Premier League Burning'

HOLYWOOD is to remake Mississippi Burning set in a variety of premier league football grounds.

Director Alan Parker has cast Jim Broadbent and Dame Judie Dench as two FA officials charged with investigating the disappearance from football of anybody you would not cheerfully punch all day.

They have to overcome a wall of silence when visiting grounds like the Emirates or Old Trafford, with the straight-laced Broadbent eventually allowing Dench to bend the rules by using tactics she learned in her former life as a member of the ICF.

Parker said: “We want to capture that tumultuous period in history when non-white football players fought for their basic human rights, otherwise known as two weeks ago.

“We’ve thrown in lots of period detail, like Silvio Berlusconi resigning and Johnny still being in the X Factor, while the soundtrack will feature all of those hits from early November, like that one that my granddaughter plays in the car all the time that sounds like a chipmunk being fucked in the ear.”

The PFA has complained that the film typecasts all of its members as bigoted hillbillies with a violent hatred of racial minorities, claiming the true figure is nearer to 60-70% and that foreign players coming home to find their lawn on fire is at its lowest since records began.

They also insist the sequence where an unnamed England captain hurls abuse at his own reflection in a tinted mirror and later claims he was asking it for directions to a place called ‘Rucking Trigger’ have been taken out of context.

Parker added “In 30 years’ time people will watch this film and ask their parents whether there really was a time when a player would abuse Patrice Evra because of the colour of his skin and not just because he was an arse.”



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Scientists warn of fog metaphors

EXPERTS have warned the dense fog over greater London will be used as a metaphor.

As the capital was enveloped in a thick miasma that seemed to symbolise Britain’s economic and cultural malaise, scientists said that was exactly the sort of shit you need to watch out for.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “I suspect Janet Daley is already 500 words into something amazing.

“It’ll start off being about how lots of planes are grounded at Heathrow , but – unless you’re some kind of gibbon – you’ll realise very quickly that the ‘planes’ are Britain and the ‘fog’ is the Eurozone.

“She’ll say the only way Britain can ‘take off’ – fantastic – is to clear the fog with a referendum.

“And then the Daily Telegraph will pay her more than you earn in a fortnight.”

At the Guardian, technicians are assembling a nine foot high, revolving metaphor which stars George Osborne as a Victorian ne’er-do-well robbing the innocent public sector while undercover of a thick fog which is both the financial crisis and the inevitable consequence of Britain’s post-industrial decline.

And the Daily Mail has warned that millions of immgrants have already
used the fog to steal your job, stressing this is not a metaphor and
that you will definitely arrive at work this morning to find a sneaky
Bulgarian drinking out of your mug and chatting to your former
colleagues about Christmas television adverts.

Brubaker added: “Newspapers are a dense fog full of people who want to urinate in your face.”

Meanwhile, a poll has found that seventy-two percent of Britons believe the fog is millions of escaping ghosts.