Hungover beat Still Pissed in Sunday league game

HUNGOVER has narrowly beaten Still Pissed From Last Night in a hotly contested Sunday league football game. 

Hungover AFC, who often had only nine men on the field due to players vomiting, were initially expected to lose heavily because their keeper was sitting against a goalpost pinching the bridge of his nose.

However, an overconfident Still Pissed gave away an early lead twice because their striker was unable to remember which goal was which and scored two ‘storming’ own goals.

Spectator Joe Turner said: “By half-time Hungover were a goal up and washing down Nik Naks with Lucozade to quell their churning guts, while Still Pissed were all smoking while telling each other they’d given up but they always want one after a drink.

“In the second half Still Pissed began to lose players to fatigue, the local Wetherspoons and punch-ups with the crowd, while Hungover pulled themselves together after realising that after this they could lie down in the back of the car.

“It ended 9-4 to Hungover, though some of Still Pissed thought they’d won regardless. There should’ve been red cards, but the referee had been up all night on MDMA so was just hugging everybody instead.”

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Everyone agrees to quietly forget Brexit thing ever happened

EVERYONE has agreed to quietly sweep the referendum result under the carpet, it has been confirmed.

Britain has confirmed plans to keep its head down and start talking about television programmes whenever anyone mentions Article 50.

A government spokesman said: “The ‘Leave’ thing has become like a workmate’s barbecue where many people agree enthusiastically to attend, then bail on the day after realising they’d rather go to Homebase.

“Let’s just ignore it and move on – Boris is cool with that, he never gave a shit really and Farage was only doing it to get himself a TV agent and crack the jungle reality show circuit.”

Leave voter Norman Steele said: “I just wanted to get shot of foreigners, now the pound’s gone tits up and our village is awash with Japanese tourists pointing technology at my wife. I’m not saying I made a mistake, but if nobody else mentions it then I won’t either.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I remember a time at school when someone smashed a window in the science lab, all the teachers went mental and we had a special assembly where the police came in.

“It seemed like a huge thing but two days later it was all forgotten about. That’s what Brexit’s like.”