I’ll be supporting Turkey in Euro 2016, says St George

SAINT George has announced that he will be supporting his home country of Turkey at the European championship tournament in France.

The acclaimed reptile slayer, born in a southern area of Europe bordering on Asia, said that as a patriotic Turk he will be draping the red flag with white star and crescent out of his window for the duration of the tournament.

He said: “I’m going to be putting on a barbecue for the opening Turkish game – kebabs, halloumi, mezes, stuffed dolmas, sucuk, borek – all plain home cooked food, none of your foreign rubbish.”

St George has also promised that he will be playing the tuba in a brass band for all the games he can get along to, performing songs for his home crowd to chant along to including Turkish Till I Die and No Surrender To The PKK (Kurdistan Workers’ Party).

He added: “I’ll be cheering on the lads and hoping they do the job and bring home the trophy to where it obviously belongs – Turke-ery.”

When asked if he might be wishing England well in the tournament, and players such as Wayne Rooney and Harry Kane, St George said, “Where’s that? Never heard of the place. Is it in the Cappadocia region, or what?”

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Man finally old enough to go for pint by himself

A MAN has expressed joy at finally being old enough to go for a pint alone and not have anyone question him about it.

Nathan Muir, aged 28, said that since his last birthday he now felt comfortable enough to go into a pub, buy a drink and then just sit at the bar doing nothing in particular.

He said: “I can just sit here, have a couple of pints and be by my fucking self.

“It’s like drinking alone at home only without the feeling of abstract loneliness.”

Research from the Institute of Studies confirmed that anyone drinking by themselves in a pub under the age of 28 is either waiting for someone or on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

26-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I’ve just lost my job and I’m three months late for my period.

“So I’ve bought a pint and some crisps.”