Britons demand to live in medieval village surrounded by a wall

MOST Britons have confirmed they will not settle for anything less than living in a small village surrounded by a high wall.

Members of the public said Brexit did not go far enough and demanded to live in settlements of a few dozen people enclosed by walls with spikes to repel ‘outsiders’.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “We want to live in tiny villages with our own kind and a big wall to keep out immigrants and wolves. It’s the only way forward.

“We won’t need the EU because we’ll trade with ourselves. If you’ve got apples and your neighbour’s got leeks you’d just barter, although I’m not sure how you’d buy a new laptop.

“The main thing is the wall will keep people out. It’s not racist to want to protect the blacksmith’s job or stop gangs of young men molesting your chickens.”

Pensioner Mary Fisher agreed: “I’d like to live in a village with a wall because I’ve chosen to ignore obvious problems like no electricity and the fact that we’d all die.

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live with people who are like you. Except Linda from the bingo, obviously. She’s a two-faced cow and I’d dob her in for being a witch.”

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Man secretly glad he’s missed EU vote registration deadline

A MAN who missed the deadline to register for the EU referendum last night is secretly relieved that it is no longer his problem. 

Tom Logan attempted to register, following a day of reminders from colleagues and social media, at 11.48pm yesterday but found the website had crashed. 

He said: “I suppose that’s it then. No point watching debates or reading up on the facts or arguing with my uncle about foreigners taking all the jobs. 

“If anyone brings the EU up, I’ll have to explain I couldn’t register and that being locked out of the democratic process is very painful for me so can we change the subject to football or superhero films.

“Whether we leave or stay, it’s not my fault. And I no longer have any reason to acknowledge that Nigel Farage even exists. In fact I’m going to actively pretend that he doesn’t.”

Logan said to calls for the deadline to be extended were unfair, adding: “Me, and those like me, have had our chance. 

“You go on and decide Britain’s future without us. We’ll stay here, ready to lay blame.”