Juan Mata joins rat-infested ghost ship

CHELSEA midfielder Juan Mata has been sold to an eerie crewless ship. 

The ship, which has been purposelessly roaming since being cut adrift last year, is inhabited only by diseased cannibal rats feeding on each other.

Thought only to have value as scrap, the deserted hulk terrifies other ships with its advancing decay and its red-eyed, feral inhabitants.

Mata said: “Joining a decaying ghost ship, a spectre of the seaways which other captains talk about in hushed tones because they fear it could one day happen to them, isn’t exactly the ideal transfer.

“On the other hand, at least I might get to start a game every once in a while.”

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United fans pool resources to throw season ticket onto pitch

A CONSORTIUM of United fans has bought a season ticket to throw onto the pitch in protest against David Moyes.

The collective has spent three months raising the necessary £66,700 and finally hit their target after Sunday’s loss against Chelsea.

Consortium leader Tom Booker said: “Watching the match against West Brom I was infuriated, and it was very exciting doing this thing ‘booing’ for the first time. I also did a fair bit of tutting.

“Then the man in the next seat, who it turns out used to support Everton until they stopped winning, reminded me about this tradition of the season ticket.”

Fundraising began with a car boot sale and tombola, but the bulk of the cash came from an auction of old programmes, trophies and a photo of José Mourinho signed “That was my fucking job you bastards”.