Man United to buy Gary Neville-themed hotel

MANCHESTER United is to purchase a luxury hotel themed around former right-back Gary Neville.

The Hotel G-Nev, which is designed, owned and managed by Gary Neville, features a restaurant, a sauna, and a rooftop football pitch with undersoil heating and no goals.

All bedrooms feature wide-screen televisions, beds shaped like David Beckham, and complementary moustache thickener.

Guests can pay to have ‘the Gary Neville experience’, which involves taunting Liverpudlians, mis-hitting crosses, and having Peter Schmeichel suddenly berate them at random moments.

A United spokesman said: “The G-Nev is a solid, consistent, 7/10 hotel. While not as exciting as the Palais Cantona or as historic as the Hotel Giggs, the G-Nev promises a functional night’s sleep while getting under the skin of rival hotels.”

In addition to the standard ‘Gary Neville’ rooms, guests can stay in the budget ‘Phil Neville’ rooms, which are similar but more prone to disasters.

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Female body hair ‘may stop women meeting twats’

FEMALE body hair is a massive turn-off for virgins, shallow narcissists and picky twats, it has emerged.

Unless women observe strict body hair removal regimes, they may be unable to form romantic relationships with men with loads of weird psychological hang-ups.

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “Women’s bodies should be hairless, like an Action Man or newly born baby mice. Anything else just isn’t sexy.

“They are permitted a small strip of pubic hair if it’s neat and tidy, although I’m not sure who put me in charge of ladies’ vaginal areas.

“I’d never have sex with with a woman with body hair. That’s probably why I’m still a virgin aged 29, but it’s a small price to pay for never having seen a slightly hairy female armpit.”

Personal trainer Stephen Malley agreed: “Last night an incredibly sexy woman was really hitting on me, but luckily I noticed she had fine, downy hairs on her arms before we could have mindblowing sex.

“I expect all my girlfriends to be hair-free. I’m not some control freak, just a normal guy who happens to arrange the items in his fridge alphabetically and shaves his testicles every day.”

Feminist Donna Sheridan said: “I blame internet porn, but you should probably do your legs because even Guardian readers don’t want to shag a French werewolf.”