Meulensteen discovers Magath has drunk his tea

EX-FULHAM manager Rene Meulensteen is furious that a pot of tea he had brewed to perfection was consumed by his replacement.

The hapless tactician had been out of the room for four minutes, which was sufficient time for Magath to pour the tea and take at least two cautious sips.

Meulensteen said: “I’d been gone just long enough time for the flavours to blend but not long enough for the tea to stew.

“So you can imagine my disappointment at seeing Magath sat there nursing a cup.

“When I checked the pot there wasn’t enough for me, Ray Wilkins, Alan Curbishley or any of the other people who may or may not manage Fulham these days.”

Magath is known for his authoritarian attitude and has already banned mobile phones, iPods and crack cocaine from training.

While his arrival appears to mark the end of Meulensteen’s brief and baffling rein, the club insists that the Dutchman is still under contract. Indeed statistics suggest that around seven in every 10 people in the UK are currently managing Fulham.

A government poster campaign will outline symptoms of the condition, such as gazing morosely at the league table and knowing who Alexander Kacaniklic is.

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Sinkholes are badgers’ revenge

SINKHOLES appearing across Britain are an act of revenge by the badgers.

The badgers claimed responsibility for the holes which have swallowed houses, vehicles and at least 20 cows.

In a statement, the badgers said the holes were a ‘legitimate response’ to the government’s ‘acts of war’ and threatened to ‘hollow out Britain until it was like an Easter egg’.

The statement added: “You think we are beneath you. Well, we are beneath you. Literally. What about that, eh?

“Admit to your TB lies and pay us reparations or one day the ground you stand on will suddenly give way and you will be plunged into darkness.

“And in that darkness will be a righteous badger, waiting to bite your face off.”

A government spokesman said: “If you hear the badgers you must phone the army and then get into your car and drive as fast as you can in any direction for at least 24 hours.”

Prime minister David Cameron added: “This is very frightening. I am terrified.”