Everybody Hitler

YOU and everyone you know is Adolf Hitler, it has been confirmed.

Researchers found that you are exactly like Hitler in all the important ways, especially your dreadful haircut and your insatiable desire for genocide.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “You hate everyone and you shout a lot.

“And if you manage to become leader of your country you will kill as many people as you possibly can.

“You can deny it all you want, but no-one will believe you because you are such a massive liar. Like Hitler.”

Professor Brubaker said the Institute launched the research project after a surge in high-profile Hitler comparisons.

He added: “Not only were all the comparisons 100 per cent accurate – particularly George Clooney – but we soon discovered that everyone is a frustrated artist who is actively planning a beer hall putsch.

“Ideally, you don’t want anyone to be Hitler, but life’s just not like that. So we’re now trying to work out whether everyone being Hitler is better than some people being Hitler and some people not being Hitler.”

Tom Booker, from Guildford, said: “This does bring an end to the uncertainty. Which is good because I prefer things to be very definite. Like a certain someone…”

Emma Bradford, a working mother of three from Peterborough, said: “I just wish I had more time to be Hitler. I really do.”

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91% of TV adverts contain whistling

MOST television adverts have a whistling-based soundtrack or feature whistling characters, it has emerged.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “There’s something about the chirpy, cheeky nature of whistling that corporations believe engenders trust.

“Or maybe it’s like the human equivalent of snake-charming – the harmonic frequencies of whistling hypnotise the consumer into thinking banks have some agenda other than getting money.”

28-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I definitely respond to whistling on television, particularly within the context of 90s-style ‘big beat’ music on gas company adverts.

“Which is weird because I find it fucking annoying in real life.”