Hedgehog announced as fashion animal for 2014

HEDGEHOGS are the fashion industry’s latest animal muse.

The final day of London Fashion week was marked with a candlelit ceremony in Clapham Common during which a giant hedgehog appeared in the smoke of a style-shaman’s bonfire.

As well as using hedgehog motifs on clothes, jewellery and household items, designers will be using spiked, bristled material and developing sensitive fabrics that ball up when provoked.

Designer Tom Logan said: “I’m still in a state of shock. We all thought it was going to be rabbits, bears or emperor penguins.

“But then, the clothing Gods are mercurial, and send us all sorts of mixed signals. This season, they want us to honour the hedgehog. Next time they might want us to start skinning polar bears.

“At least it’s not owls again. Or labradors, which are the least edgy dog breed.”

Department store buyer Nikki Hollis said: “The hedgehog has reaffirmed my passion for my work, and my spirituality.

“I don’t care what people say, there’s nothing shallow about my job.”

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Capitalist overlords behind budget cooking trend

BRITAIN’S capitalist overlords are secretly orchestrating the trend for nutritious low-cost recipes.

Corporate chiefs hired Jamie Oliver and Jack Monroe to promote budget home cooking, which is the best way of keeping workers alive without paying them more.

Factory owner Denys Finch Hatton said: “My workers could eat daube de poison for all I care, so long as they have enough energy to do their repetitive, dehumanising tasks.

“If they develop a taste for the fancy, expensive food I enjoy they’ll inevitably need more cash, which is where Jamie Oliver comes in.

“His cheeky, h-dropping propaganda keeps wages low by convincing the slaves that eating gristly cuts of meat and flavourless courgette casseroles is somehow a good thing.”

Call centre worker Tom Logan said: “I’m paid the minimum wage to waste my life in a dead-end job, so obviously when I get home I’m desperate to be creative with ‘surprisingly tasty’ beans and pulses.

“Similarly, I love spending my precious weekend scrabbling through the Whoops! shelf in the supermarket like the lowest bottom-feeder looking for ‘bargains’ that I had no desire to eat in the first place.”

Budget chef Jack Monroe said: “Most people who follow my column in the Guardian have no idea I’m in the pay of the CBI and eat roast snow leopard every night.”