Mordor Grand Prix announced

BERNIE Ecclestone has struck a deal to take Formula One to the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie.

The Mordor Grand Prix will be on the F1 calendar from 2016, to the delight of the Black Land’s motorsport aficionados.

The deal to bring Formula One to the orc-rich land was facilitated by Ecclestone’s friend and business associate, the Witch-king of Angmar, who rubbished concerns over Mordor’s human rights record.

He said: “Media accusations of mass surveillance, hobbit torture and secret armies of Uruk-Hai are unfounded and holding back tourism.

“People always say that one does not simply walk into Mordor. We want to show them that one in fact drives into Mordor, ideally in a single-seat, open cockpit car in the company of champagne-drenched bikini models.”

Teams will race in a newly constructed course in the shadow of Mount Doom, under the all-seeing eye of the Watchful One.

Drivers will be challenged by the threat of incineration if they leave the track, though the possibility that they will be corrupted and enslaved by Sauron’s dark sorcery has been dismissed by race organisers.

Mordor overcame a period of domestic unrest to successfully host the Commonwealth Games and the Chess Olympiad, while the UNESCO-listed Black Gate has recently seen concerts by 50 Cent and Jennifer Lopez.

Formula 1 fan Tom Logan said: “This is great news for the sport. But everyone knows it’s still Nürburgring to rule them all.”

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Stonehenge was early version of school music cupboard

STONEHENGE was a set of primitive percussion instruments used to keep kids busy on rainy days, it has emerged.

The Welsh bluestones make ringing noises when hit with smaller hammerstones, don’t require any care at all and are nearly impossible to break, fitting all the criteria of a school music cupboard.

Dr Mary Fisher said: “A glockenspiel, a tambourine, one of those ridgey things you run a stick along: none of these are proper musical instruments.

“They’re things that you give to small children for a bit of noisy time at the end of the day, or that Liam Gallagher plays onstage.

“Stonehenge was assembled not in the hope of playing a melody to delight the gods, but to tick a box marked ‘creative play’ on the Neolithic curriculum.

“This explains why some of the stones are missing; they were likely removed to be thrown, or were stolen by dishonest but slightly pitiful kids with bad home lives.”

More advanced musical instruments from the period, believed to include a sheep-gut violin and a prototype wooden keytar, were apparently kept locked away in a cave nobody had a key to.

Dr Fisher added: “The sound made by Stonehenge would have echoed across modern-day Wiltshire, proving almost intolerable to anyone living nearby.

“But there were no recorders, which shows our forebears were more  humane than we had previously thought.”