Murray Cruises To Historic, Charmless Victory

ANDY Murray last night set his sights on a bitter, foul-mouthed victory at Wimbledon after cruising to a charm-free win at Queen's.

Murray's historic triumph came after a series of wins over people you've never heard of, as Rafael Nadal recovered from injury and 48 year-old Roger Federer drank champagne from his French Open trophy.

The first home-grown player to win the Queen's Club tournament in 71 years, Murray's victory means he is now the 35th most popular tennis player amongst British fans, behind Nadal, Federer, Roddick, the Argentinian guy and an assortment of surly Eastern European types.

Acknowledging the dozens of spectators who mumbled their lack of outright hatred, the UK number one was in unusually chatty form during his post-match interview, even going so far as to say 'thank you' to a visibly damp Sue Barker.

Publicist Nikki Hollis said: "Hardly anybody has called him a piss-faced Scottish git all day. Hopefully this historic win will lead to a visible reduction in the number of shoe boxes filled with human poo.

"You see, Andy's problem is that people just want a tennis player they can like for two weeks a year. They don't care about the actual tennis. They've got lives and stuff.

"Tim Henman was perfect. Girls could imagine losing their virginity to him after a school dance and boys could imagine spending a fun-packed weekend with him at Lake Windermere. Or vice versa.

"And he was very popular with women of a certain age. I once propped a Henman mask on a fence post overnight and the next morning there were three 50 year-old women from Buckingham offering it cups of tea and humping it furiously."

Hollis said she was now looking for new sponsorship deals for Murray, adding: "Finding the right company is difficult as it needs to reflect Andy's charmless yet relatively successful persona. We're thinking Ryanair or maybe a firm of rat catchers."

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