Huge Expansion In Rail-Based Misery

TRAIN operators are calling for hundreds of miles of disused line to be reopened, insisting no-one should be be allowed to evade the abject misery of local rail travel.

The rail companies want a widespread expansion of the network, with 14 extra lines, 40 new stations and enough Scotsmen to fill them all with urine.

The expansion would involve reopening many of the old lines and stations that were closed down in the early 1960s for excellent reasons that remain every bit as relevant today

In his ground-breaking 1961 report, Dr Richard Beeching described British trains as 'slow, unreliable, bumpy things, filled with the unmistakeable stench of the Glaswegian'.

He famously added: "I'd rather be fired backwards from a cannon in my wife's underpants than board the 8.04 from Cranleigh to Redhill. Buy a car."

Meanwhile angry commuters said they would still prefer to spend six hours a day swearing loudly on a bypass than use any form of transport available to the general public.

Tom Logan, from Brixham in Devon, said: "Trains are for people with no self-respect, while buses seem to be used exclusively by unemployed foreigners and pensioners who need somewhere to change their toilet bags on the way home from buying their weekly supply of tinned soup.

"We don't want more public transport, we want really wide roads and electric bubble cars driven by robot slaves."

He added: "You can make the trains really fast, reliable and, if the science is possible, urine-free, but they will still be crammed full of other human beings that I want to kill."

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Waterboarding Comes To Center Parcs

CENTER Parcs, the market leading holiday resort company, has added waterboarding to its list of family-focused leisure activities.

Managers say waterboarding is just as much fun as mountain biking or owl spotting, except you are held down with a wet towel over your face as gallon after gallon of water is poured up your nose.

A Center Parcs spokesman said: "There's no better way for parents and kids to bond than in a situation of sustained psychological terror and disorientation. The magic is, you're totally convinced you're going to die, but you don't! However it can make you scared of rain."

Holidaymaker Don Rose, from Stafford, gave it the thumbs up: "It made a refreshing change from the falconry and rope slides and it's definitely made me want to try other state-sanctioned coercion techniques.

"On the down side, since returning from our mini-break I do tend to wake up in the middle of the night screaming like a girl."

However not all customers are convinced. Sue Glenn, of Ipswich, said: "We expected something more like a slide or a shute.

"Instead two men in khaki led us into something called the 'Z-Ray Family Detention Hut', put sacks over our heads and spun us round until we were nauseous while angry dogs snapped at our groins.

"They asked us why we hated freedom and when my husband said we didn't they kicked him in the stomach. That's when the kids really started to cry."

She added: "The actual waterboarding itself was very unpleasant, although perhaps less so than the Thunder Looper at Alton Towers. Overall, I'd say it was different but we probably wouldn't do it again."